Forever asking one question

There was nothing particularly different about this Christmas Eve, except perhaps the weather. The sun was shining uncharacteristically, melting the pure, white snow on the ground into muddy sludge. Everything else was the same as it always was. The town centre was buzzing with people cramming in their last minute Christmas shopping, being hassled by those with tins collecting money for Cancer Research and other such charities. It seemed to Jennifer, that the world hadn’t halted for everyone else in the small town where she lived, solely for her own family.

As she sat staring intently out the window of the third floor in The Royal Hospital, Jennifer felt a pang of jealousy of those she was observing outside. She questioned why their lives could carry on habitually, while hers had to be overturned with this shadow of a decision she had to make hanging over her head. Thoughts of rage towards God, towards herself, towards the doctors supporting her and even towards her own daughter began to boil in her head, as she asked herself why. Jennifer chased these feelings away until they were cowering in a dark corner of her mind and focused herself on the young woman lying in front of her.

She was hardly an adult, yet no longer a child, but to Jennifer she was still a baby. As she stroked the blonde wisps of hair from Emily’s face she recalled holding her as a newborn for the first time in this same hospital. By the time Emily was a toddler thin, blonde curls had replaced the coarse, dark hair she was born with. Jennifer closed her eyes, hoping that when she opened them she would find herself lying in her own bed, shaking and sweating over the sick nightmare she’d just had. She would then rush upstairs to Emily’s room where her daughter would be fast asleep, yet again late for college, a habit of Emily’s that Jennifer despised. However, when she opened her eyes she saw the same as she saw before she shut them. She sighed deeply. Jennifer would give anything to see her daughter oversleeping for college now.

Instead Emily lay in the hospital bed, tubes and wires attached to her body as though she were some kind of scientific experiment. Jennifer knew that these were the only things keeping her alive, but it still scared her to see her only daughter this way. She was terrified of the thought that her little girl was no longer with her. Her spirit had passed on and all that was left was her empty body. Jennifer knew what she had to do. She knew she had to say goodbye, she had to let Emily go, but it was easier said than done. As Jennifer looked at her daughter she felt distraught. There was nothing she could do to make Emily better, not this time. A cuddle and a plaster from mum just wouldn’t cut it now.

Jennifer looked up from Emily’s bedside to find her sons entering the room, Jake holding a tray full of hot drinks, while his brother held the door open for him. As Jake set down the tray on to the table next to Emily’s bed, Darren passed his mother a plastic cup full of hot chocolate.
  ‘Careful, mum.’ Jake warned.
  “It’s hot.” Darren completed his brother’s joke, as they both gave the smallest of laughs.
Jennifer forced a smile as she took the drink from her eldest son and took a sip. It tasted foul and was cold, but she drank it anyway to save herself from having to talk to the boys about how she was feeling. They carried on conversing about Christmas, both trying to lighten the mood, but Jennifer had tuned out. She didn’t want to talk about Christmas, and although she neither wanted to talk about Emily, Jennifer wanted some signs of recognition from Jake and Darren that they understood how she felt.

As if reading her thoughts the two of them became silenced.
  “Sorry.” Darren began, but Jennifer shook her head and sighed.
  ‘Don’t be.’ She replied, realising that they too felt the pain she was going through. Emily was not only Jennifer’s daughter, but Jake and Darren’s sister too. Since their dad had left the boys had become protective over their younger sister, especially Darren, who had become more like a surrogate father to Emily rather than a brother. Jennifer felt selfish for forgetting that her sons were dealing with not only their heartache, but also hers too, and they were coping the best way they knew. Neither one of them were forcing her into a decision, although she knew in her heart what both of them would advise her to do.

  “What would you do?” Jennifer asked, although she was pretty sure of their answers. “If you were to make the choice.” Darren took her hand and gave his mother a sympathetic look.
  ‘Don’t put yourself through this mum. You have to reach your own decision.’
  “I know.” Jennifer said. “I know. I just need to be sure that I’m doing the right thing for everyone. Please.” She paused. “I want to know.” Darren and Jake exchanged nervous glances, then Jake nodded as if giving his brother his approval.
  ‘I would let her go.’ Darren softly whispered. Jennifer shut her eyes and drew in a sharp breath. She was unsure as to what that answer made her feel.
  “Jake?” Jennifer’s youngest son shifted uncomfortably in his seat, as he debated over whether to tell her what he felt.
  ‘I’ve already said goodbye to her, mum.’
Jennifer had made her decision.
  “Darren, do you want some time with her alone?”
He shook his head. ‘It’s fine mum. We’ll give you some space.’ Darren rose to his feet as Jake walked over to his mother and squeezed her shoulder. Both sons left the room close to tears, leaving Jennifer on her own with their sister. She sat in silence for a second, just staring at Emily, remembering the good times they’d had. Jennifer picked up her daughter’s hand and leaned forward to kiss her forehead.

  “Goodnight my angel.” She said. “I love you. Always.” Jennifer placed Emily’s hand on the bed and called her sons back in, along with the doctor. She had to sign some forms after the doctor asked her if she was certain and assured her that Emily wouldn’t feel any pain, as she had already gone. Jennifer and the boys gathered around her bed, Jake and Darren each resting a hand on their mother’s shoulder. They watched the doctor turn off the life support and as Emily’s chest ceased to rise and fall Jennifer collapsed sobbing into her sons’ arms. She was inconsolable for she knew that from now until the very last second of her own life this one question would always play on her mind. Did I do the right thing?