A bit about me...

A BEGINNING


  Waiting, waiting, waiting…all I seem to be doing as of late is to wait.  Patience has never been my strong suit.  Am I feeling a need to “make up for lost time”?  Who knows?  My “bullshit meter” has gotten more acute; I suffer fools terribly as time goes along.

  I’ve been a lone-wolf type for most of my life.  As long as I can remember, I’ve enjoyed my own company, daydreaming and weaving fantasies.  I fall in love too easily, and get “crushes” every couple of weeks or so.  I never tell the recipients of my crushes, of course; I wonder if they ever figure it out?  It’s been co-workers, friends, sisters of friends, store clerks and photography models I’ve worked with.    My imaginary excursions always seem more satisfying than the actual relationships that I’ve been in. 

  I was diagnosed with depression in June of 2005, and this may explain many of my behaviors in my life.  I enjoy drinking, and use my fair share of drugs.  Looking back, I’ve used these to counteract the low feelings.  I’m on an anti-depressant now called Lexapro, and it’s working well.  In fact, it’s like the difference between night and day.  Many of my favorite artists suffered from this; perhaps it contributes to a unique outlook on the world.

  I’m so eager to get back to my photography; I’ve been slacking on it in recent months, mostly due to the expense of it all.  I’ve been involved with art, in one form or another, for as long as I can remember.  I do some work on my photograph web page; this is quite a lot of fun, but it makes me want to get back to work. 

  So, this’ll be a beginning for my “creative writing”, and it’ll be fun to see where it leads.  It may fill a need to feed my creativity. Perhaps I also have a need to get down my thoughts since my cancer surgery.




CANCER


  On August 23, 2006, I had my left lung removed because of cancer.  The operation was done at the old Arlington Hospital, and the staff there was very accommodating and professional.  A couple of days previously, I’d been taken there by ambulance, with shaking and sweating and vomiting.  At first the guys in the ER thought it was pneumonia; after some X-rays, they found that it was indeed pneumonia…and a mass of cancer.  I felt two emotions at once.  The first was shock and fear.  The second was an overwhelming feeling of Faith, similar to when my mother and my father died; so big and troublesome that I knew that I could not handle it on my own.  I knew that God was in charge, whatever the outcome.

  There were several Chaplains that stopped in to chat, both before and after the operation.  They were of various Faiths; it felt so good to have soothing voices and prayers.  I definitely feel that I got re-connected to my faith while I was there, and I need to follow up by getting back to a church.  I’ve been chatting with a Chaplin from the Church Without Walls since being released.

  There were many tests, both before and after the operation.  The doctors were in and out quickly, and they got straight to the point.  Most of my interaction was with the nurses, who got me out of bed and walking around a day and a half after the operation.  It seemed a bit sadistic at the time, but it was for my own good. 

  I definitely fell in love with Sheila, the night nurse.  She was tall and slim with red hair, pulled back severely for her job.  On her badge, the photo showed her with her hair down and she looked so sexy.  We would speak of her home state of Michigan (where my mother was from), of her time in the Navy, of whatever the current events were, and of life in general.  Her ass was so sexy, and she brought my percocets, so she was aces in my book!  She once said that she gets a kick out of her patients coming back to visit. I would love to do this; it remains to be seen if I will!  And I can daydream about her making house calls!

  I’m so grateful that there was not too much time in between my diagnosis and the operation; I may have gotten freaked and ran away to drink or use drugs.  I did get depressed after the surgery, when it sank in that this was a major, life-changing event.  The pain relieving narcotics that I was on (Fentinal and percocet) counteracted the Lexapro for a while, and I did get quite depressed.  Thank goodness it passed as soon as I got off the narcotics. 

  I’m grateful to be alive today.  I’m grateful to be re-connected to prayer and faith.  Most of all, I’m grateful to God that the cancer is all gone after the surgery.  I’m all clear, and there is no need for chemotherapy!