Reminiscing

I let in a deep breath flow into my lungs and let it out a few seconds after. A wise man had told me once before leaving the surface of earth, “Suck in your problems, and let it fly away…” His name was a precious mental treasure I should share between the walls of my mental barriers and only mine. I can’t even tell him to my parents… the people who abandoned me when I was simply three years into my life. I wasn’t even ready to see them leave and…

Breathe…

I let in a breath and let it out slower.

“…Suck in your problems…” I mutter with my sweet and ginger voice smudging the white-clothed silence. I always thought of silence as a white, fragile cloth. Once noise enters its barriers, it is ripped, destroyed or smudged. The stain would even show at times. Like echoes… it depends on what kind of echoes I am describing right now…

Mental or physical echoes…?

I chuckle at my bizarre depictions and perspectives. I find it either unique or an instrument that would make you look like a fool or a mentally ill victim of strong stress. I let my eyes snap open. What if I am crazy…? No… I’m just different…

Aren’t I…?

Breathe…

“… and let them fly away…” I breathe out along with my breath. It is said that meditation trains the mind to be tamed… I’ve tried once… it worked, so why not do it again?

I get to my feet and walk out the door of my house after making up some kind of excuse that I’m simply going out for coffee. My roommate bought it as usual, thinking that I’m some kind of half-wit with a mental disability to think… I feel sorry for her. I’ve been leaving her in the dark for so long. I’ll come clean some day. Today doesn’t seem too right.

“You’ll know when it’s time,” I convince myself with visible breath due to the bitter weather. “Today is not the time though…” I finish with a sigh of calmness. I stretch and lean down in front of a grave. Its inscriptions were this;

JULIA

A great friend, a mother’s perfection

I cry at these inscriptions. I’m not in dismay not only because she is gone; I cry because that’s what I used to call her before she passed off. I do not wail, sob or bawl. I simply stare as I feel the hot tears warm me and remove their poisons from my insides, biting my lower lip in attempt to keep my rare tears low. The smartest person I ever knew besides myself… that is if I do know myself…

“Say goodnight, not good-bye…” I whisper regardless of my shaky voice as I trace two slender fingers over the tombstone. I hesitate at her name as soon as my fingers hit them. I slowly remove them and stare. I feel a smile creep up and tug at the corner of my lips. “Goodnight my adopted perfection… I hope you sleep well.” I mumble steadying myself straight again, wipe my eyes and pray for a miracle day…

I am at peace with myself once more.

-End