The poem is not moving...it is almost like a pop song. But since it is ur first attempt, the cliches can be forgiven...but it lacks the most inmportant aspect of writing...it doesnt move the reader, it doesnt make the reader feel the pain u r (suppoesedly) feeling.
Try and write a poem about u, ur feelings and thoughts. It is then youll get good stuff out.
Is this metaphorical or what?! Hey good story nice and compact something i like. It can mean many things. The hoola-hoop is a symbol for drugs, underworld and all kinds of 'bad' stuff in which teens(predominantly) and even adults get in but can't get out.
I'm telling you buddy...I'm not a guy who understands metaphors well but I think I have got this one. However, do let me know if I'm wrong.
I love it if you would r&r one of my short-storiess. There are many unrated items in my port.
Whoa! that is some piece of information...the poem is dark, very dark and very low on hope....something i belive is what you wanted people to feel...it is very understandable since its written in first person...reading the poem made me feel as helpless as the girl herself...a really good piece of work khalish...on a personal level, i request to write a piece showing hope...for that is whats needed today...looking back at a horrifying past and a little of present only makes us withdraw more within ourselves...we need hope khalish, we need hope...
In one word--- WOW!....I think this is one of ur best works ever....should be put right on top of almost all other stuff uve written...if ther was a 5.5 star rating, i wud have givenm u that...this is real good stuff
Very good use of words( i had to use the oxford at somepoints)....very very good imagery...and the way its been put by you...so unique!
The lonely soul...sitting and observing natures beauty...is just so real.
Sometimes nature's so beautiful that its hard to believe its true.
A very beautifuuly written poem
Hope u r&r some of my work too. It would be a pleasure
Its a good story, though somewhere in between I had actually figured out that she was too good to be true. that was the line 'He had spent hours flirting with woman in hotels before but never with such a response so quickly.'
THINGS I THOUGHT YOU COULD IMPROVE:
Instead of 'bum', I thought butt would look better. Why? For no reason at all...I just think it looks better.
Another thing- Its not 'come and get me look'; it is 'come-and-get-me' look.
The story is pretty entertaining otherwise.
And I'm sorry, I dint have much to think about upto the end. I think you should have a really solid story-line before you can claim that.
But your language, imagery et al are all A-grade.
You can do a much better job, though this is good too.
The poem starts off slowly, but gathers pace slowly. I particularly like tha second-last stanza where you say that a woman and sea give birth to life.
An intresting concept that you have thought of. I had never imagined a woman in this way.
It seems you are really fascinated by the woman of the species. is it someone special who sparked this delight and reaspect for women, or is it just you?
Man are you in pain!
A true poet in every sense. There wonderful imagery in the poem and the flow is superb.
The heartbreak, the healing and finally the memories are so wonderfully shown in the poem. Like in 'Midnight Stars', your loneliness, in a subtle way is seen here.
A wonderful, heart-breaking poem. the good thing about it is, while reading the poem, I myself, was among the snow-clad mountains and the alpine trees; I saw the birds flying over my heads, I was 'listening' to the quietness of the place.
Agreat job in making me you!
The poem is based on a concept I had heard of long before- That all our neard and dear ones who die, become stars up above in the sky.
Though I really hadn't given much thought to it before, it is now that I see the beauty of this philosophy.
The manner in which the poem is written makes you wonder- Has this really happened to the pot? Does he really search for his love among the stars?
The loneliness pf the poet after losing his love and the disbelief which follows it, that she isnt gone yet, but she is there watching is very beautifully and subtly brought out in the poem.
Very few are strong enough to accept that the dead are GONE forever. Most of them, seek solace in the fact that there is life after death. It is very normal to think so. And the poets belief in life after death is very sybolically shown here.
But no one would know the real truth, for that canbe known only after we die too. So the debate remains andis expressed in words as beautiful as that of this poet's.
A nice piece...I see a bit of my style in yours...though i believe you can bring out better stuff. The poem is a reflection of an obvious truth and for me, the concept is heard of before. So I didnt find it that original, novel rather. Anyway, it is a good effort and shows you have the capacity to do better.
Happy writing!
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