After reading your profile I gather the grammatical awkwardness for me is that we are speaking two different dialects of the same language. There are some odd phrases from an American perspective such as the few below:
When the "morbidly obese" woman stood in the street w/o shoes ..."she had signs" would sound a little better if " she showed signs of cutting and tearing..."
"She rushed toward(s ?) me raving and foaming at the mouth and one close range head shot was enough." Perhaps BUT one close range shot...?
"an expression blended from terror and relief flowed across her round, apple-cheeked face" awkward ..Her round apple-cheeked face that had been contorted with terror melted into relief when she saw that I was not infected. ? Something like that.
Then immediately after this part the story feels rushed as though there should be more detail between them in the "getting to know you" phase. Did they stand right there and she blurted out her life story? I cannot 'see' her apart from her apple-like cheeks and that she is tall and thin.
"her eyes red with weeping" ...red FROM weeping?
Conceptually it was solid. Though there were some parts I found a little unbelievable or perhaps they simply felt rushed. Of all things it certainly felt like a man's fantasy scenario with a young girl and the battle within him.
Looking forward to reading more of your work in the future.
Cheers,
SyLeah
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