Impeccable rhyming and fully deserving of its awardicon! Although I am not religious and cannot look at it from that point of view, it was an enjoyable read and had a heartfelt message. You also had an excellent grasp of language and formed the poem extremely well so that it reads with ease and does not sound forced in any place. Well done!
I really enjoyed this poem. The stark language has been well combined with more subtle imagery to produce an overall effect that doesn't overpower but still manages to evoke the reader. (Does that make sense?!)
The language is very good in places: "Manufactured silicon tears coating micro apologies, contriving criticism excreted from every conversation." This blunt style of writing works extremely well for this type or writing and you did not shy away from your true thoughts. Well done!
This is a brilliant piece of work! Some beautiful language that evokes a whole range of emotions. I love the progression as well and am only sorry that I didn't have enough GP's to award it a 25k awardicon instead. I am afraid I can't really say much else! Well Done!
This is an enjoyable poem to read and has a certain sing-song quality that could bring a smile to any face. Although I felt that the word moment was overused (even with it being the topic of the poem), the rhythm is impeccable and it flows easily. Well done!
Some powerful images. I especially like the lines: "and screams
its response,
to hungry senses,"
Not an unusual subject to convey in a poem, but you have managed to evade the usual falls and cliches, resulting in a poem that is good to read. Well done!
First Impressions:
Wow. This was an excellent read! The Diary set out helped as well with the length of the piece.
Imagery:
Do I need to go into it? Great imagery and a sound grasp of language to express yourself. Some touching scenes when the boy is looking out onto the grave and some evocative descriptions of the turmoil inside his mind. You have drawn together the two sides well
Ending:
Very good. It had me lost in reflection for a while and is very poignant - as if the world has come in full circle and now there is a sense of empty completion… (Does that make sense?)
Spelling/Grammar:
Just a few things,
When you use the repetition of the words, “We tried again And again. And again.” I would cut out the next repetitions of the words ‘sourer’ and ‘smacked.’ Twice is okay, but three times in such a short space is too much. I know it is for emphasis, but I feel it could be achieved just as effectively with a comma instead. Also, you could think about changing the word ‘smacked’ as I don’t think it carries enough impact with the build up from before.
Other than that, it was good (though my English spell-checker was adamantly saying otherwise…)
Overall:
This was a very good piece of work, and considering it was written for the flash fiction, of a very high standard as well. It was a joy to read and I look forward to reading the rest of your work!
This is really good! Easy to read and with some good thoughs behind the writing. I love the first three lines:
"I look to the pale blue sky
and the hills with
a mild dusting of mist;"
Couldn't think of a better way to put it. However, I think that the lines "does not exist, nor ever will," could be improved upon by changing it to "does not, nor will ever exist." It just seems to read better that way. Hope that was of some help!
Hmm... powerfully written - some of the best poetry comes from moments of high emotion! Love some of the images you have here - "dusty pane of unwashed reality" and "That envelops this world as its permanent captive" are just two of my favourites. A few typos:
"Fall into the grassy plains of serenity"
"The tall, tranquil fields..."
Anyway, some of the best poetry comes from moments of high emotion! Other than that, well done!
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Well Done!
First Impressions: