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Review by Surjanara
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
You need to take more time with this piece. lengthen the scenes. your trying to pack too much information in without adequately giving your reader enough information about the characters. take more time in letting us know the people. we want to be able to see this world as you do. what do the buildings look? like how are the people dressed? because your racing through the story we have yet to get a feel for what's going on. I'm not even sure who the main character is and what kind of magic base they all have? The trick to any good story is all in the details. Give too much and you bog the story down to drown. Too little and your pictures float away without getting the proper attention. Allow me to briefly show you using your first paragraph.



Zillian trudged through the snow, the force of the blizzard pelting him with bits of ice. At each step, a new blast of cold assailed him, making forward movement more and more difficult as he went on. He could see the familiar city walls in the distance -- if he could only reach them, he would be safe, but in the middle of the storm they seemed so very far away!

" This is a perfect place to describe the winter scene in front of him. The snow drifts maybe the wall what's it made of? brick? stone? how far away are we talking? is it enough to make him quicken his steps in anticipation? you are glancing over some great places to insert much needed details into your piece. it's not enough to know that Zillian is cold let us feel it with each breath he takes the pain that would be settling in his chest. the kiss of the icy winter blasts. freezing the air in our lungs. the winters cold fingers caressing our legs sweeping up our bodies stealing the heat as they go. numbing us with each step. your readers need to feel his suffering just as much as he does."

He reached into the pouch of leather
" what kind of leather? how big is this pouch? what kind of clothes is he wearing? This is another great place for more details to be inserted."

slung over his shoulder and brought out a small stone which was glowing red with the radiance of the great Art. Zillian tightened his grip on the stone with his right hand and took another, stubborn step forward, gritting his teeth against the numbing onslaught and refusing to give in.
Many would have given up and fallen down then, let the blizzard claim them. But Zillian was a stubborn one, and he had power on his side. The cold was still bitter even with the magic, but it was easier to bear when the heat was flowing through him.


"instead of telling us that he is stubborn show us. tell us how hard it is for him to pick up his limbs. to will himself to walk. let us know what a struggle this is and how abnormal it is that he can continue even when every inch of his body says just lay down and let the snow have you."

He took another step, closing his eyes as the snowfall changed directions and flew into his face, sending him stumbling back with the force of the wind.
He raised his left hand, balling his right into a fist, and kicked forward with his left foot, sending a shower of fine, powdered snow onto the ground nearby. He felt the direction of the wind change, and the power of the breeze pick up. There was no energy left in him, and he stumbled, standing there, threatening to collapse, until the wind became so fierce that it threw him from the ground and sent him flying towards the city.
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