It reminds me of the stories I'd read when I was younger - clean, interesting and with lively characters. I would also refer this to any young ones, especially if I was teaching them to read, or simply hold their attention.
Hi - I read your piece. In my opinion - it is good, but I feel it could be better presented. The first paragraph is all about WWII, specifically Normandy. And the second chapter followed on from that. But later on, the essay strays from the opening, to I guess the virtues of those who died or attended the landings.
Quite the red herring.
In my opinion, if you are going to write about virtues?? have it early in the first paragraph. I mean the first paragraph and the theme of the essay are just too different.
I am no historian or society buff, but while the military theme has these wonderful virtues, it can written in a better format.
I think it is good. But a few things leap of the text that I feel you can work on.
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***An atmosphere text*** <--- stories are about people, not atmosphere. If you try to go this approach, good luck, this is so much harder.
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The wind rustled the leaves. <--- At the start, this does not hold my attention.
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My clothes were clinging to me. They were as wet as I was. <--- can you get this in one sentence in dynamic format? eg How I wished to be again before the warm fireplace at the tavern instead of journeying in this crazy adventure where I was soaked with every bit of me in freezing sleet.
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There was a rustling.
I spun around, turning my head and simultaneously stepping back. My reflexes were well-honed, because I had been fencing for years. <--- This is loaded and frustrating to a reader. It can be done better.
Avoid words that end with "ly" ie simultaneously. You can research the internet for this one.
Use " show, don't tell " ie don't tell me that you have been fencing for years. By telling this you are raising questions for the reader and causing me to loose interest.
Just some points I picked up. You are doing fine otherwise - please carry on writing.
Hi - I read your story. It is fast paced with a happy ending. There is plenty packed into the small package and I guess what you have here is the completed manuscript. I could find no fault in the grammar. I look forward to your further works and wish you all the best.
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