Hi,
I really enjoyed this piece, mostly because I am a fellow traveler who has learned to slow down and enjoy the exitless wastes of time and space. I would love to share a diner bench with you and watch the scurrying concepts race by as we scrape up some of your road kill and bring them back to life. I have spent too many sleepless nights playing solitair in truckstop diners to believe that roadkill stays dead.
Thanks for sharing,
WRITE ON FOREVER!
Love,
Shell
Hi,
This is very sensitive and it is easy to feel the longing for intimacy beyond the every day masks. I can sense the aching lonliness and desire. It is, obviously, very familiar to me. Great job expressing this.
Love,
Shell
Hi,
I really enjoyed the imagery in this poem. It is very expressive and emotinally effective.
The only things I would change if it were mine,
are the line breaks. The lines could be shortened, and I think the poem could be much more flowing and easy to read.
Of course that is only my opinion. The poem is wonderfully expressive as it is.
Awesome first attempt! The only real criticism I have is that you really lose the rhythm at the end. You might want to think about different stanza breaks but that is only one poet's opinion.
You are doing great don't stop writing!
Love,
Shell
GOOD JOB!
I love poetry that creates visual magic and this one does it beautufully. I also enjoyed the rhythmic ebb and flow, so like the dance of the waves and tide.
WRITE ON FOREVER!
Love,
Shell
You've done it again my friend. This is magnificent. I love your work. It is beautiful and sensual and very very visual. I can see it, smell her hear the whispers. Once again I must tell you that it is perfect and I wouldn't change a thing.
WRITE ON FOREVER!!
Love,
Shell
Dear Gina,
This is very touching and beautiful and I am sure that your nephew will appreciate it so much. I hope it helps him.
"Your mother’s love ~
Was pure gold.
I know you hoped,
She’d grow old."
Just for the sake of rhythm, I would do this. It keeps it consistant.
"Your mother’s love ~
Was solid gold.
I know you hoped,
That she’d grow old."
I think you need a comma between "leave" and "you know"
"She did not want ~
To leave you know.
But it was her time..."
"... rest your soul, you precious woman. Hearts have broke."
I think "broke" should be broken.
"I’m glad I was your sister..."
This is just my opinion, but I really think this should read, "I'm glad you were my sister..." It keeps the statement more directly about her.
I hope I have been helpful and not too critical. It is hard to reveiw and rate something this personal and deeply emotional. Just remember that I love you and I am here for you and that I will continue in prayer for you.
Love, HUGS
Shell
Dear Eliot,
This short powerful poem leaves me breathless. I have known from the beginning that it would probably win my contest.
You say so very much in so few words. It is skillfully written and emotionally breathtaking. Thanks for entering my contest, and congratulations on winning First prize.
Hi Gerrard,
This is very nice. I love the last stanza the best of course, because I am a hopeless romantic. For me the night will always be for lovers not monsters. Your rhyming scheme is a little bit heavy handed for me, but you do the form well. The rhythm is good for the most part, but loses some consistency in the 2nd phrase in the 3rd stanza.
Other than that, it's great! Thanks for sharing!
Love,
Shell
The words "specifically formed" seem awkward to me. The rest of the poem seems more organic and more an expression of emotion flowing and growing even boiling over. I think it would work better if you replaced those words with something more....
How about Gently formed, or lovingly formed, or tenderly formed or even purposely formed.
This is of course just an opinion.
Hi Eliot,
this is beautiful. I don't find anything technically wrong. The rhythm is smooth.
I sense the vulnerability in the tone, but there is something about it that bothers me. I can't pin point it. I wish I could tell you what it is. It almost feels dishonest.
Your friend,
Shell
I am just not sure how to respond to this. I am overwhelmed by the passion and intensity of your words. And yet they flow with gentle clarity and warm my heart with the obvious sincerity of your passions.
You are incredibly talented and you can be sure I will be looking at more of your work!!
WRITE ON FOREVER!
Love,
Shell
Good Job! I know that silence. It is deadly. It is the silence of screams and the silence of invisible blood. You expressed it well. The simplicity and shortness simply adds to the intensity!!
Here's to hoping that we never hear it again. WRITE ON FOREVER!!
Love,
Shell
Wow! This is very intense. This is the kind of poem that makes me want to offer to hug you and tell you it will be alright.
I was a willow tree.
Thank you for sharing this with our community.
I can't find a single thing wrong with the poem. The content is awesome. The rythm is just fine. Structure fine. You did good girl!!!
KEEP ON WRITING FOREVER!!!!
Hi,
I'm with you darlin'. I know what it is like to lay as still as possible, praying and begging God just to let you sleep and escape the pain and the confusion of an over-active brain.
You have expressed this well. The short statements are so familiar to me. Partial sentences because you just don't have the strength or energy. You express that so well.
If the sole purpose of poetry is to express a feeling and to provoke an emotional response, then this poem is very successful to me. I am not sure that it would be as successful to others who have not experienced such things.
Great Job, and WRITEON FOREVER!
Love,
Shell My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
This piece is truly wonderfilled. I love it. I didn't know I could fall in love with a fish!! I love this little guy and I love the story.
My only suggestion is, "nice man and woman doctor" is a little awkward. You might want to try, "the nice doctors."
Other than that I wouldn't change a thing! Thanks for brightening my day... WRITE ON FOREVER!!
I am so sorry for your families loss, and for our country's insensitivity.
I was lucky, my son was with the Army's 101st airborn division. He came home to a loving wife and children.
I agree that war is a sinful thing, I cry for all the casualties of the insanity, regardless of nationality or position. This well written piece should be published all over everywhere.
YOU GO!!!! Keep going with the courage. Get all the anger out of your system, then get counseling and stop dating players. There are some awesome men in the world who are faithfull and sweet and wouldn't hurt you like that. I know, I have one. My sons are like him. I had to learn how to stop dating bad men, and how to stop agreeing to their abuse. You are worth more alone than with any man that cheats or abuses your trust.
Hi,
I enjoyed this poem. I love the image of a single rose growing outside a window. Very nicely done.
My pick is at the end. The rhythm and flow were good up until the last two lines, and then it faltered. The feeling and meaning seem to falter a little there too. I was anticipating a lesson learned, not by a little thorn prick, but by the more poignant lesson of death in its season. I guess I felt a little let down.
It is a very well written piece for the most part. Maybe it was just me. I don't know. I can only go by my own response.
I liked it well enough to want to go snooping in your port, so... KEEP ON WRITING FOREVER!!
This is very sweet. Childhood is so incredible to watch and so heartbreaking to let go of. Keep her close and hold on while you can. They grow up in the blink of an eye.
I have a six year old grand child now. My gosh time flies. You made me cry. The poem is very well written and I have only one small pick. The flow gets a little bumpy. I think for a poem like this you want it to be as smooth as a little girl's cheek.
Hi Theresa,
You make me cry. That's the first rule of poetry... well not exactly, lol! actually MY first rule of poetry is to make the reader feel intensly, to make them respond emotionally. You did a great job at that.
This is a sweet poem. Your girlfriend is a lucky lady!
There is only one thing for me to pick on, {dont hit me!} This poem might have been better without the rhyming. It tends to get a little stressed at points.
Other than that, I love it.
I've known some like that, and I hate to admit it, I was one like that in my youth. The writing is good and the feeling comes through. It runs fast and hard and the rhythm seems to work.
I'm sorry you had to deal with a "friend" like that. I just hope that you are over your anger by now. 'Cause it will just hurt you to carry it.
I really didn't particularly think this was funny. You may not have been serious, but you came off that way. I didn't want to finish it. I think that the rating is off too. I thought E was for everyone. I wouldn't want my 14 year old daughter to read all this swearing, and yucky attitude. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be too negative. The writing was good and I didn't find any blasting mistakes, I guess I was just a little offended. Your writing is clear and concise and I am sure that if it had a different tone I would have liked it.
WRITE ON!
Shell
This is a pretty good poem. I like the blessings you offer. The rhyme scheme is solid and the flow is mostly consistant. I didn't find anything really wrong with this piece.
It just seems....a little monotonous. The feeling just doesn't reach me. *shy* Maybe it's just me. Please, WRITE ON!
Very cool! I love that you can giggle at our most intense feelings. People ususally go overboard taking themselves too seriously... you've gone overboard the other way! I've never considered being the "apple"! This is refreshing.
The part about the great hall was a little confusing. It kind of threw me off. I understand that you intend to represent humanity in all times, but that part is distracting.
The rhythm could use a little help, but maybe you didn't intend to have a smooth flow?
My only other problem was that this was the only thing I found in your port. I can't wait to hear more from you! KEEP WRITING!
Shell
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