This is sooooo helpful to anyone new at WDC. I've been a member since April and I still feel new to some things on the site. Thanks to this directory (that I've now added to my favorites), a newbie should never feel overwhelmed when they join.
How long did it take you to create this? It was certainly well worth it.
This makes me think of a summer fling where one person is starting to become serious, falling in love and the other just want to have a little fun. Especially the part:
Lifting her hopes on all your behalf... Turning away to strive in the dark
I did notice some grammatical errors:
INSTEAD OF: Life isn't fare for those who wear it TRY: Life isn't fair for those who wear it
INSTEAD OF: Never seeing him again until your thrown into your vault TRY: Never seeing him again until you're thrown into your vault
I read something in the newspaper not too long ago about several Habilitation Aides being terminated for the same thing. It is sad when certain individuals who have these roles don't realize the butterfly effect of their actions, or inactions.
You have to wonder why are they working there in the first place? Especially if they have to resort to striking a blow (whether mentally or physically) because they feel they have no control.
This was nicely written. If I had any suggestions to make:
Instead of: What concerned me is that the director, assistant director, and everyone of higher working status knew and that they let the workers stay hired after it happened time and time again.
Try: What concerned me was the Director, Assistant Director and everyone else in upper management knew and they didn't fire the workers after it happened time and time again.
This is a very good story. It had me hanging on by every word, trying to find out why Jon was in the hospital. Very good work.
The only suggestions I have are:
Instead of: ...took a cutting board off the wall...
Try: ...grabbed (or retrieved) a cutting board off the wall...
And
Instead of: A couple small pieces...
Try: A couple of small pieces...
And
Instead of: ... this new track would lead him to freedom, a track that would lead him out...
Try: ...this new track would lead him to freedom. It would lead him out...
Other than that, this can definitely be a 5-Star rating.
This story was precariously perplexing. Particularly, the parts where words with the letter "p" ran on and on. However, this story will definitely help with phonetics. Some words, I had to look up for its meaning and pronounciation, had nothing to do with the main idea of the sentences and paragraphs. But that's just my opinion.
All in all, I enjoyed the ride reading this. Are your books filled with illustrations, like Dr. Seuss? I can imagine so if it is.
This was an excellent piece. Especially the last two lines. Those who can relate will definitely agree with me that when reading this, your raw emotion was at the forefront, bearing all for others to witness.
Everyone's been through a situation similar and you captured it quite well. I have no suggestions for improvement as you've covered everything perfectly.
This poem made me think of a time in my life where I wanted to fit in with this clique. No matter how much I changed, becoming something others (my actual real friends) didn't care to be around, the important thing was that this clique accepts me. They did, but eventually dropped me because I wasn't catering to their egos. I can definitely relate!
Minor errors:
1.) "...stand on the oustside of the inside..." (outside)
You brought out your point clearly as well as the supporting information behind it. I wonder if this started out originally as an essay, but later, took a life of its own.
"Yes, question, think, and be inquisitive."
SUGGESTION:This could be written to be read and understood more easily.
"But by no means let that stop you from tasting life."
SUGGESTION: But do not, by any means, let that stop you from tasting life.
Very well written. I only saw one or two instances where a sentence could've flowed more easily. Other than that, this caught and had my attention from the first line.
Here, at last, there was silence...
...but the silence never lasts...
I love how this repitition keeps the story going by hooking the reader, compelling them to continue on.
You've killed us both. Only you could be so stupid! Finally you get the guts to stand up to me, to push me down into the fire, and then what do you do? You jump straight in after me! Stupid girl!
Here is our Hell now, witch! Mine to suffer your poison, yours to deliver it upon me. And I swear, I'll never go quietly...
This was the climax that explained why Jana repeated this ongoing cycle. Very very nice twist...
Nicely written. I felt like I was there, listening to the preacher talking to a small group in an enormous and open space as dozens of others strolled about. I also related to the main character feeling compelled to listen, hanging on the preacher's every word.
I think you've accomplished the goal of narrative description in this piece of work. However, you could use some commas in certain paragraphs. Also, in the beginning of the story, you go back and forth, writing in present and past tense. This is cool, but you have to use consistency.
1.) The stone was polished smooth by thousands of butts before mine. There were benches too. People sat on them alone or in pairs and on the walls. Massive trees cast a thick shade.
EXPLANATION: The last sentence would sound better if written in past tense, complimenting the other statements before it.
EXAMPLE:The stone was polished smoothly by thousands of butts before mine. Thre were benches too. People either sat on them alone or in pairs while others were against the wall. Massive trees casted a thick shade.
2.) Mystical tackle passed from them to the Roman soldiers who a thousand years ago slowly turned Latin into Spanish. Spiritual tools passed finally to this preacher who now cast a glittering net of melodious Latinade words, seining for sinners in San Jose.
EXPLANATION: with commas used, it makes the paragraph more understandable.
EXAMPLE: Mystical tackle passed from them to the Roman soldiers, who, a thousand years ago, slowly turned Latin into Spanish. Spiritual tools, passed down to this preacher, who now casts a glittering net of melodious Latinade words, seining for sinners in San Jose.
This poem was very deep, bringing one into the person's mind. The message was concise and to the point of what the character wanted to convey. I wonder if this character is a man or a woman.
Anyways, it read smoothly for the most part. The sixth line kind of took me from the rhythm. But other than that, I liked it.
Feel free to check out, rate and review my some things in my port.
This is very well written. I was drawn into Paul's life (as the coffee maker went drip, drip, drip) and his frame of mind that particular moment. You enough of his background and current circumstances to turn this story in any direction, as far as plot is concerned.
Feel free to check out my portfolio and rate & review. I hope you develop this into something bigger...
Very vulnerable and open. Seems like a relationship gone sour with Teddy Geiger. He's all about his music now...
Anyways, I loved it. If I loved it, why didn't I give it a 5 right? Only two things:
They wonder why I even bother COMING to visit you on days like these, where all you do is work silently on the passion of your life,
making void all else. So why do I continue, if I know I am ONLY TO BE ignored?
Why not try:
They wonder why I even bother to visit you on days like these,
and:
So why do I continue, if I know I am only going to be ignored?
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.39 seconds at 6:29pm on Jul 06, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
