It wasn't a mistake. Now you will have the virtue of patience, of trusting that the Lord has one that will seek you. Perhaps it will make you lean on Him! I loved your poem. I liked how it turned positive, sort of like an hour-glass... I would take the last line if only you could love me... out because he didn't. It's done and the author knows she must get over it. It should end with the second beautiful... By the way, I loved that word being on a line all by itself. Very powerful, effective! There is a strong woman inside that lady who was not lived. She will survive and even thrive!!!
Quite, quite nice! I couldn't wait to read the next sentence, the next paragraph! I couldn't help but think while reading the paragraph that ends with F***OFF, that those are real life issues surrounding us. (I realize it's stated by hypocritical beings who think they are better than the druggie.) But the mundane things of day to day life are so despised by many so they seek out death defying acts, drugs, beinge drinking, or medical disorders of all sorts. Perhaps it's because they are still searching for the meaning of life... they are so void inside, empty of the truth. Our purpose in life is taking the gift of eternal life that Christ has offered to us. Period. Amen. I loved your manifestation of The Dark Man. He knew he was scared of it.. hence his words... we can be friends. But to find out in the end that it could be his own undoing makes me have hope he will wake up and get out of his addiction state. Perhaps? It's my hope anyway. Thanks for such insight. Keep writing for sure!
I would change the word do in the last stanza to "to". I think however the ending doesn't have the power of the beginning so I would suggest reworking the image you want to express there. It is so true that we want snowflakes to last forever and we can see them slipping away right before our eyes. It's too bad that only with wisdom can we apply this to our life's happenings so that one day, you wake up and you know that if you don't smell the roses, they will not be remembered!
The title misled me. I was thinking this story was going to be a buck's mating rutuals first attempt. However, the way I see it, I link it back to human mothers... ladies who are so desperate for their babies to stay innocent, with full knowledge of the world ahead of their offspring. The read would have been easier in black and normal sized. I thank you for a glimpse in your backyard. write on!
I love the energy in the stanza my middle name's released! It's truly a rush of action, emotions, time, events! It's in those words that I began to read the poem as a sexual experience an experienced woman is experiencing. Although the topic is naturistic, it seems to work all the way to the end. I like when poems have ambiguous intents. I can hear the desperate whispers of this poem and that made for a great read!
This is a wonderful forum, welcoming to newbies and set and formatted for oldies! It is anchored in being successful as a writer and that makes it all worth the efforts it takes to keep it up and running. I appreciate being able to stop in here and read what others are conversing about. I will be back said the terminator!
Very real and telling. I think the verse where you use grey sins a lot would be more powerful if you took the words "grey sins" out. "grey sins, your hands on me, peeling layers away, grey sins, inside me, touching, loving, etc. It makes those words sing their power. The multi promises at the end works. it was just that important. I think you need to rework the ending to her emptiness, her lonliness, her guilt or some other image where you would have to imply the grey sins. Thanks 4 sharing.
A vampire is not stronger than a werewolf but is smarter and has way more control than the beast. Also, the vampire has many attributes that a werewolf does not have access to and this makes him better. I'm wondering why you put this poll up. Is there a great debate going on in your house???
Great pondering poem! And all true. It's biblical. There is simplicity in Christ by Him dieing for our sins but it was most certainly a complex act! And you are right.. once I realized this, the purpose of my life, I held the key to life... an eternal place for me in heaven. Knowledge came to me as a result, not as the smartest, but as the wisest, the humblest, the one on the other side! I think the last 3 lines need to be reworked to fit the complexity of the rest of the poem. Perhaps it can tie into a biblical message. There is simplicity in Christ!
I smiled when I read several of your lines... tying it in little knots, my mind in a blank, time beneath my feet, anger left on the paths, pushing forward. Very nice job. I think the poem will be more universal if you took out screaming kids because even if our burdens are not screaming kids, we can walk it off! Even if we are not mothers, we can further identify with the writer. I like the fact that this person recognizes that life has some tough turns but has found an answer for some relief... yet not giving up, getting depressed, or doing immoral deeds for that bath! That washing away of the day! I think you need to rework the title. Maybe you can use that washing away image for a title?
A beautiful notion to write such a lovely poem to the love of your life! I think it would be even more powerful if it were shorter. If you could rework the ideas and images in a different poem (leave this one alone!), and see what comes of it, you may be surprised. What I'm saying is get your same thoughts from this poem to write a new one, only making it shorter and with only the fewest possible images. It might show your passion in a different light. Did you make the # of lines on the poem like this on purpose... adding 3 to each of the longer verses? Just wondering.
The opening line is terrific! I think if you abandon the sake of rhyme and make the last line... life's got no thrill, it will feel more complete. Although I see the ending, I don't feel it. Why? Because this is a powerful and very emotional poem. It needs to go out with a bang! I need that power to continue right through to the end. I'm sorry to read about your trauma. That must not be fun indeed.
WEll, well, nice little light writing! The ending was quite humorous! Dr. Who rocks so I loved how you were going off into space while you wrote. It is sometimes quite difficult to return to reality after writing something so personal or so fun or so emotional... or anything you like! But as a writer, you can't be successful unless you first have an inkling of success at the thing called life. That success can simply be understanding something; it does not mean that you are wonderful at it. That's what your poem made me think about. Thanks for sharing!
I liked the poem. I wished you had even more references to the game though. There is free parking you could use to show being used. There's the electric company for when you were "electrified" thinking you were in love. There's the beauty contest and the hospital visit where you mended your broken heart (from the chance and community chest cards). Also, there's the mundaness of going around and around the board for those times in love where you felt like you were running and running, only to later see you were going in circles! The only way I would justify the length of the poem was to see more references. Love the idea! Keep writing!
Alas, since I have green eyes, this poem, I am pretending, is written to me! I loved the words not being forced by having to fit into a rhyming scheme. The non-rhyme let you say what you wanted. You have wonderful images in this poem... the photograph taken by your eyes was just lovely! And the hour glass pouring forth.. oh super! The only thing missing now is the sense of smell... some soft violets in her hair? thanks for the poem!
Nice story. I feel the story needs a little more finality at the end. Write more about the decision the narrator goes through after deciding not to be her friend any longer. Also, I think you could highlight a little more on the fact that she made an ultimate decision to give up being popular by not continueing to be bullied. Good luck with your contest. One more thing, maybe you could have a few paragraphs. Look at where the natural breaks fall and make that a new paragraph. It will be more like a story that way.
Change portfolio word of criticized to critiqued. Change vicious cycle to something else. Too cliche'. Make it daddy's little secret. Change questions about where HER father was... Oooooo, the ending was kewl. I like how it tied back to the lieing to himself earlier in the story. This is a monologue that needs some revision. However, the ONLY way to revise pieces like this is to put it down for quite some time then revisit it. During that revision, I think you need to say something about how "variety" with his wife was not satisfying. Otherwise, he looks like an azz for not seeking comfort and exotic love from his wife. Perhaps she thought change too dirty in their bedroom. Perhaps she stamped out his every effort of creativity in their love life.
There is another part that I thinks needs to be reworked. John was not doing right by Courtney BECAUSE he knew her mother (John's own wife) was in a slump at times. I would have rathered that whole bit about how he loved his daughter was just left out. There were some generic parts alluring to the child. I would want it left at that... very general. My favorite part is the Paul Simon paragraph. I was hoping... just hoping that those lines would come up at the end! I think the weakest part is the beginning only because it has too many "He felts" in it. Several I looked at could simply be okay if "he felt" was taken out of the way. The first one or two were important so leave those in. There are parts of the story that sound so mature and then there are other parts. But that's what emotions do to us... erase logic and sanity! Although I could feel this man's anguish, I could not feel his passion so look at some word choices that are a bit stronger where you feel they need to be. This DID make for a nice story. I enjoyed the read indeed! I loved the great "dark" and the "creature" imagery! Good job.
One more thing... I must admit... I was thinking that last call girl was going to be his boss... or his wife's sister... or the preacher's wife??? hehehe That would be the beginning of his downfall... or the beginning of a wonderful thing. Dunno which! Thanks for the read King.
I love ending two!! Oh this was just a marvelous story! I saw your mum (against our mom) and read it with my British accent. (I watch British sit-coms here every weekend!) If you are Austrailian or other, perhaps my British accent was close. Oh the words were so fresh and new to American writing. It was simply a delight to read the story. I loved the names for the children! Is this a series you are working on??? Are you planning on putting this in a series print??? It would surely pass the marks! I do believe the days of 6 1/2 yr olds doing such important work has disappeared from average society. This story reminded me of such.
wowzie! It's been a long time since I've read a poem that continues from line to line. I think that is real poetry! Example: "raises its precise facades". That is my favorite aspect of your poem. Perhaps the poem is too intellectual for me to grasp at one sitting. I'm a simpleton. But I see more and more with every reading. To me, that's real writing... when words can be unfolded with time and experience. This is one of those poems. I like your word choice... "root world below" and "scattered women". I like the image of shrinking with his shadow.
I like it. I can see his anguish. On looking at the poem, I felt cheated a lil bit at the end when that stanza (verse) was repeated. I wanted something new there. In the other parts, I felt like you could rework some of the places you wrote AND in. For instance... the line that ends with fear... could be something like I have lost all reason, along with it my fear. It might make the poem more powerful in certain spots, more intellectual maybe? I am looking for ways to make this tighter for the reader. I think if you relook too at the KNOWS you wrote, you could rework those areas too. I can see his anguish, but if you show me, I would be more sympathetic towards him. He knows he's wrong but he goes anyway??? Tell me why? What is his drive there? I want to feel his lonliness driving him insane! I want to read about that part that excites him again. Is that what drives him to the forbidden plains? And also, I want to know at the end what decision he has made. Will he forever continue in this limbo state of knowing mistress's love for him is not real? Will he present a reason to his wife to not leave him to feel so alone? Will his morals straighten him out or will they be forsaken along with all of his integrity? dignity? honesty? Will he pave a new way with new morals knowing he has to have a new home to be loved and sexed and comforted? To me, the anguish must end, right?! On the rhyme part, I am so glad you did not let exact rhyme hold you back from what you wanted to say. i would love to read this poem in the form of a short story. Perhaps that would tell me more of his thoughts, deep thoughts.
Yikessss Jocelyn! You made me pick my feet up as I read that scary story!!! I was screaming Eeeekkkk! I think the only thing you left out was rats and bugs. Those animals crawling over my toes would make me scream and get chills. I like how you changed colors when you typed your story. Keep writing girl!
You should not have put none of the above as an option. That took away 40% of the vote. Also, take out (or even now) because my favorite now is different from when I was a child. In 3rd grade, Where the Red Fern was read to me and I loved the story. But in 3rd grade, I read Rikki Tikki Tavi so that made it more relevant for my likes. I loved that story. As an adult, I reread Rikki Tikki and I said... ugh, because there wasn't too much to really love about it compared to Where the Red Fern Grows.
Very touching story/poem. And very appropriate for today's times. This needs to be in print as an illustrated book or a coloring book. I think you can take the parenthesis out. Also, I liked how you didn't force the words into the same number of lines, the same types of rhymes, etc. The free flowing movement was nice and that's why the rhymes you do have in the poem work. If I changed one thing, I would take out the 2nd to last stanza because it made the suspense too long. Those questions are implied and leading them right to the answer might be more appropriate. Very nice story. By the way, you should take it to the local schools so they can pass the story out and have this story for discussion. I would recommend pre K through 3rd grade.
The youngest children are learning nouns at this time so I was thinking that perhaps you could write the nouns (or verbs) that go with the adjectives you have. For instance, for soft, you could mention fur. For small, you could mention they fit in a box. "Cuddly kittens in a box." That's my opinion. On your writing, I think this is going to make a grand little book. I can just see it illustrated and in print! I love the simplicity. That is key for the little ones.
Prologue was awesome. The names are super workable except I wish Torrance was Tearrance or Tirrance to sound just a bit more feminine. Surely, her mother didn't know her fate at the time of her birth. The cursing and butt-crack details were great. Ch 1 to serve the elite of Rome without question OR complaint? Maybe I'm slow, but when I read the part about the general fighting for Ceasar, I didn't confirm that it was time travel until the part where she had fought atop a car. I loved it. "Way to find Rae long ago... take out the a". "They and all fought very well" = They HAD all fought. Hey, blood cools quickly so perhaps there could be a hot coal fire under the bath. And who were her sex partners? Enemies being raped or the strongest, most manly of the captains she selected?? The ending of ch 1 was splendid indeed!! chapter 2 Once I found out the party was separated, I knew you would put Rae in opposition. Good job! I just hope she's not downplayed. She would be a hit simply for her knowledge within the village, a marvel to say the least. "However short THEY may be" = THAT may be. The details of what happened during the mystery session in the library were grand. I also loved the suspenseful wait of the info. What about her noticing that she might look like a ninja and then throw a cape around herself before she rides away? chapter 3 What's a Primus Pilus? Ahhh. Nice description. She sat naked breasted giving orders to the group of men? At least put on her tunic or have her notice one of her previous lovers glance at her nipples! chapter 4 is my least favorite. Bubbles does NOT WORK for me! name the horse Arkansas or New York or some historical person... ? Maybe he whinnies a lot .. name him Speaker of the House! or Budweiser! It just dawned on me that I should have read that Rae had heard of the notorious ruler and maybe had an idea it was Torrence! Word of mouth is relatively fast, esp. back when messages were delivered back then. THIS IS A WONDERFUL LITTLE STORY. It shall make a great novel one day. Keep writing!!!!!!!!!!!
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