This is the first account of a male rape I have ever read and it was totally believable! Dialog: A+, Pace: A+, Action: A+, Characterization: A+, Atmosphere: A+, Suspence: A+. Excellent job! Can't find a thing wrong with it. I will be waiting to read the rest of this tale!
Your description of Madden made me homesick for my own one-stop-light town in Eastern WA! But such a large amount of description at the beginning of a piece can loose your reader because it starts the story off too slow. Long stretches of straight narration, like the following paragraphs about Long Nose, will also cause reader's to loose interest.
By using dialog between your main character and Nellie to convey the same information you would involve your reader much more--it really adds immediacy, pulls your reader right into the story. Narration tends to remove the reader from the story.
In the same way, interweaving pieces of description with action--perhaps your main character walking down mainstreet and into Nellie's--while noticing details along the way would bring the reader into the story better than straight description. Ideally you want your reader to forget they're sitting in a chair reading and enter your character's body and see through their eyes, hear through their ears, smell with their nose.
I see the potential more than just flash fiction here--I think you've got the opening for a good short story.
Boy, you hooked me with this one! I really like the sparse train-of-thought narration--very realistic. And this is the best use of SOUND description to carry a scene I have ever read ( or maybe can remember *blush* reading)! Excellent flow! And that last line is a perfect hook--have you written more? Good job!
Thank you, Lynn, for a very entertaining and well written chuckle! How many reviews have you gotten in which the reviewers confessed to also being oglers? My hand's up!
A very good read! You kept it, how shall we say, interesting, without being offensive. I especially like how you wrapped it up with the line about the kid who plays Harry Potter.
Thank you for this very well written and thorough explanation of Ramadan for us who are non-Muslim. I like the way you structured your piece with the question and answer formatt. It's simple, but very effective. It has made this celebration meaningful for me. Good job!
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