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5 Public Reviews Given
10 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of While I'm Away  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I'm getting mixed feelings about this. It's got good points, most certainly; but on the other there are some sections which I consider a wee bit flawed, and I'd like to suggest some changes.


First stanza, "Just for one day" Only one day? The rest of the poem seems to suggest a complete return. Also, I feel it's a bit unimaginative to have the same words rhyming with each other in one stanza, "days" and "day".

The second stanza is very well written; however, there's not any need for the "s" on "seperate". I like the contrast between the distance between miles but the intensity of thoughts, by the way.

The third stanza is just fine.

Fourth stanza, "Where should I stay?" Contrasts with "Just for one day." It's all a bit iffy in the way that you seemingly can't decide whether to flee back home for good or just to see "the holy ground once more".

Fifth stanza, "I wonder... / If they miss me..." It's not really effective because you're in regular phone contact, so it seems obvious that you're a close family. I like it when the last words of a poem are used to conclude it however, and I really like it when they're effectively used as the title. "While I'm away..." certainly manages this.


In conclusion, while this item could have the potential to be a five star piece, with change, this revision didn't particularly spark anything in me, and in my honest opinion I feel that it needs some work.

Regards,

Neil
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Review of Border Town  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love this, very witty and it flows nicely, with well thought out line breaks and intelligent word choice and repetition. Cheers.
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Review of Paranoia  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I like it, however, I feel that the section "On the bus ride home... talk of the school" is rather incoherent and pretentious and could do with some reworking.
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