I don't ever read things like this, so thake that into consideration when reading this review.
First, the only error that I noticed is your use of 'Genocide fleet.' In the previous paragraph you talk about the 'Genocidian ships.' I think 'genocide' should be changed to 'Genocidian.'
Even thought I'm not into this sort of content, you caught my attention. I found that the new terminology flowed easily and quickly gained meaning.
I thought I would start this review with the technical errors, that way you might understand your score a little better:
- From the gates of an immense, battlemented fortress
++ no comma in needed
- off his gorget and embedded itself quivering in a young tree beside the trail
++ comma after 'itself' and 'tree'
- stand of thorny, flowering bushes
++ no comma needed
- was pinned neatly to the bole of a tree, the bolt through his throat
++ period instead of a comma, then 'Through'
- the skin a golend leather, it stretched
++ should be two sentences. period instead of comma
- the dragon's calm, amber eyes
++ no comma
- from the gates of an immense, battlemented fortress
++ no comma
When I first began this story I was thinking that it was an awful lot like every other fairytale. The valiant knight goes to rescue the maiden from the monser. The end rectified this problem. I think it is a very clever twist worth working with.
I found your style very hard to follow, though. One of the ways you are unclear is your use of sentences beginning with an 'ing' verb. These verbs must have a subject in the subsequent clause. Examples:
- Raising his left hand to protect his face, the bolt took him in the gauntlet, punching betweeen the fine scales and lodging in the mail and flesh between his fingers.
++ the bolt's left hand?
-Cleaning the detritus from his mount as best he could with the rags the men had worn, he tossed them on the midden pile and washed his hands from his water skin.
++ do you see how this is unclear? it is as if he is tossing the rags while still cleaning with them.
Some of your lines didn't make much sense to me:
-Amidst such revelry, the warrior's first real battle beyond the spires of his home proved to be with his own pride; a struggle in which the outcome at that moment seemed uncertain at best.
++ you are connecting things illogically here
- Several evenings under the stars, pious prayers, meditations, and reflection upon his cause and his nobility fortified not only his faith, however, but his pride as well.
++ you are using two coordinating conjunctives and then add an 'as well', it is very confusing.
I think you have a good idea and with work, it could be a wonderful story.
The only reason I didn't give your story a 5.0 is because of technical errors. There weren't that many, but here are the ones I noticed:
- Near one of the churches, a gang of kids was playing
++ I thought about this one a lot and I really think it should be were. A gang, like a gaggle, is plural.
- ...offer vetter potential," he though
++ little typo... thought
- There's familiar face.
++ I think there should be an 'a' in front of familiar
- "Oh no, no, it's alright. I'm gald you did.
++ I can't make it do the same thing, but the apostrophe in I'm is some other little sign.
- They think he ran away form home or something.
++ another little typo, from.
- the headlines the morning newspaper read
++ 'in' after 'headlines'
- "Were her folks divorced?" I didn't know that, said Red.
++ Move " from after 'divorced' to after 'that'.
- Raymond Webster being seem around this spooky old house
++ typo... seen
- the area for onlookers and noting that the coast was clear scampered to
++ add commas between 'and'/'noting' and 'clear'/'scampered'
Now for what I thought... this is an excellent story! It is bizarre and twisted. It is well- written with fabulous dialogue. You have mastered the art of belieable and entertaining dialogue.
I never saw the end coming. I won't give it away since this is public, but WOW!!! I thought Freddy's parents were abusive or something, health freaks; ya know?
I thought for quite sometime about what to rate this, cause I really like it, but I think it still has room for improvement.
Your poem definitely made me pensive. The idea is great, and, for the most part, well put together.
My favorite is the 6th stanza, amazing!
The only suggestion I have for you is to work on the rhyme scheme. I was caught up in it by the end of the 1st stanza, an impressive feat, and then you dropped me off with 'deadly.' And it continued from there. You had a really good thing going, you should follow through with it :)!
I was also thrown off by the saying that she was sent heavenly, which is an adjective... and it doesn't fit with the rhyme scheme.
You have more than just a start to a truly perfect poem...
I think this is a lovely attempted. Your rhyming is consistent and strong, you picked a pattern and stuck to it; good work!
I think this poem might be a little more resosnant if you add some puctuation. It would give the reader a minute to digest the lines as they should be read. This piece seems too meaty to me for just one little period to handle.
Although not familiar with the story of Hades and Persephone, I thought this story was well written and clear.
I like the fact that a rather meaty part of the story is told through the eyes of one of the townspeople, this gives the audience a more well-rounded perspective.
Here are the technical error that I found:
- when after her marriage; she disappeared into his estate.
++ there is no need for the ; here
- intimations of wife's welfare.
++ this might read better if you add 'his' before 'wife's'
- one summer night; he was walking
++ this ; should be a ,
- before seized with love for you."
++ a ' needs to be added before the "
- black dog, and upon seeing Mr. Bickerstaff, was so
++ move the , to after the 'and'
- disappeared into the forest."
++ since this is a quotation that follows in the next paragraph you should omit the "
- very well," he said his deep silky voice,
++ maybe 'he said in his' or 'said his'
- and he turned and knelt before, it rapidly whispering
++ move the , to after 'it'
I really enjoyed the story, it definitely held my attention. Toward the end it reminded me of a story of a man I saw a show on. He fell in love with a woman much younger than him. When she died he had a mousolium built for her and, eventually, stole her corpse. He kept her in his room as well and had relations with her body.
Wow... I really liked this one. It reads like it would be a wonderful performance piece with all the internal rhyming and the beautiful way you played with sounds. I think you did a very thorough job on explaining and expounding your idea, you did not leave me with questions unanswered.
'Life becomes our rouge stained estate'
you really hit me here, brilliant line!
I wasn't sure about the second line,'sucked into in the sofa.' Did you mean 'in two?'
I think you have the start to a very informative essay. I was an anthropology minor and have taken many classes which require a mind free of ethnocentricism. I adore the fact that you are taking the time to inform people so they might open their minds to different ways of life.
Technical errors:
"Before the coming of Islam limitless polygamy was pracitsed."
- Islam, limitless
- practiced
"With regards to polygamy the Quran says"
- polygamy, the
"Restricted polygamy when practised with such strice condidtions honors the rights of a woman, something..."
- plygamy, when
- practiced
- conditions, honors
- woman; something
"...without ever being held to account."
- held accountable
"As an extention to this topic it is often questioned"
- topic, it is
"It seems obvious but a woman"
- obvious, but
The line where you say that Islam is a way of life I think is understated. Islam is a religion, which is more than just a way of life. It is a culture, a heritage, a history, an explanation of the unknown.
Ultimately, being an American, we should all appreciate the freedom of religion. Islamic practices include polygamy; we should respect it just as we respect that the Catholic Church won't ordain women.
I think if you expound on the information about the populatio ratio and the treatment of the women, your essay would be a lot stronger.
Good work though. The 3.5 is mostly because of technical errors (easily corrected). Part of it was because I thought you lacked developement.
Thanks for all the information, lots to look up now!
Excellent! I don't have any suggestions for improvement on this poem, very well done. This poem is incredibly touching, sad and then ultimately, uplifting.
I have an aunt who recently passed away after a ten year struggle with Cancer. The attitude presented in this piece reminds me of her fortitude and hope.
Very funny piece. I was an english major who never took to well to poetry; and I had to read A LOT of it. This poem seems to envelope that loathing and hard work that each poem studies seems to bring about.
The only thing I will suggest for improvement is a reworking of the fourth stanza. It doesn't seem to flow along with the rest of them, a little awkward and muddled.
Wow. This is a very lovely and touching story. I really enjoyed that it was written from the perspective of an eight year old boy, it flows like it would from a precocious child. Someone recently emailed me saying that they were lost in my descriptions... I love your's. The way you take the time to talk about Mariana's shoes and clothes, the sounds on the cement and the story behind the palm all fit together to give the audience a very clear impression of what this little boy is going through.
I also really like the fact that the audience doesn't know for sure what happens; simply that he had done all that he could.
Hopefully, this will go better than it did last night. I wrote a very long review for you; my computer ate it! :(
Before I go into your well-earned praise I will tell you abou the technical problems I found in your piece.
- "Speeding off to the church, I wondered Whose mother..."
-- Speeding off to the church, I wondered whose mother..."
- "I think every member showed up today to celebrate, its standing room only."
-- I think every member showed up today to celebrate; its standing room only.
- "I watched her face as she steped into place..."
-- missing a 'p' in stepped.
- "I'm was sure Andy will stay and supervise the cleanup."
-- I was sure Andy would stay and supervise the cleanup.
- "The phone range as I was grabbing my keys."
-- the 'e' in rang should be omitted.
- "For a moment I am stunned into silence."
-- For a moment, I am stunned into silence.
- "What would I do in there?"
-- when speaking about a location it is not necessary to use the preposition 'in'. You should just say What would I do there?
- "Whatever was going on my brothers could handle it."
-- Whatever was going on, my brothers could handle it.
- "This was more serious that I could have imagined."
-- that should be than
- "Still, I hung back, I didn't want to face this."
-- Still, Ihung back; I didn't want to face this.
- "He seemed to have become more and more angry and withdrawn in the years since he's been gone."
-- This is a problem that runs throughout your story. You verb agreement is all off. This quotation is just one example for you to use. It should be: 'He seemed to have become more and more angry and withdrawn in the years since he'd been gone.' Another line to guide you: "Thomas understand; he aways did. Both of my bothers always understood me." You should pick whether you are going to use present tense or past tense with the story and then go back with a fine toothed comb and make sure all those little bugger verbs are working on the same side.
Now for what I thougt. I really enjoyed this story. I am the youngest in my family; I can relate to Kate perhaps a little too well. Your characters are well-developed in a very unassuming way. It was easy to feel for them.
Your writing style is pleasantly conversational. You have a great voice for story telling; I was never bored.
The only part I was disappointed with was the very ending. I had built up all this anxiety and hope and then felt like I was let down. I love the fact that, in the plot, everything works out for the best; but I think there has to be a more specific way of summing up the move.
Your note at the bottom of the piece threw me off quite a bit. I guess you have me worried that I don't understand.
So, I figured I would tell you how I understood the poem, and that will be a testament to you as to whether or not my opinion should count.
When I first started reading your poem I was immediately impressed with the witty style and clever wording. The way you speak about such gruesome things with such a sing-song tone made it ironically hilarious.
I was having thoughts about little Emily, a literary character of whom I'm sure you've heard, and the twisted reality of Ring around the Rosie. I was laughing aloud and reading it to my roommates. But then I got to the last stanza.
All of a sudden every experience I've ever had with abortion came roiling up in the back of my throat. My laughter quickly faded and tears came to my eye.
The way you went through and killed an entire family came flying back through my head, stamping each word with a new emphasis in the forefront of my understanding. When a member of my family had an abortion, I cried all day that day thinking of all the following lifes that were being wiped from my existence.
If I understood this correctly, then I love it. The title fits miraculously well... it makes me think I should have seen it coming sooner.
Wow. I do believe that I like this piece more than any of your others I've read, and I didn't dislike them at all.
You've done a marvelous job of drawing the audience into your relationship with Betty; you almost made me cry, my eyes were welling. The way you ended each stanza with her holding your hand until the last one, in which you hold her hand is extremely powerful.
This poem made me think of my own relationship with my sister, my older sister, and how things will be someday. Tres triste!!!
You've turned a personal tragedy into an object of beauty; something which solidifies the human experience. Congratulations!
This story is very uplifting in a subtle and charming way. I felt like I was sitiing in the canoe with my grandmother when Paige whispers her realization. Such a lovely sketch of what life is all about in the long run.
I do have some technical suggestions for you.
The first three paragraphs seem to be at odds about who the speaker is going to be. It goes from first to third and back to first person again. The characters should be spoken of consistently. By this I mean, say either the grandmother or me, not both.
++In the third paragraph, 'twist' should be plural.
++"...getting bored", she said...
the comma goes on the inside of the quotation mark.
++"... at times like this",...
comma on the inside
++"Well, I explained, there are times...
should be "Well," I explained, "there are times.
++"This is it... moments I live for."
Should be 'This is it... moments I live for.'"
++"We won't be bored."
If this is the same speaker as the previous paragraph, which I think it is, then the quotation marks should not be closed after 'moments I live for.' For a new paragraph with the same speaker, simply open another quotation mark and close it at the end of their part.
++"Indeed it is". O thought."
Should be "Indeed it is," I thought.
Alright, going into this I want you to know that the basis for this review is that you are submitting it for a scholarship.
To begin, I think you have wonderful content. You have presented a very nice image that fits well with the emotions evoked.
One of the only things I remember learning at University, vividly, about writing poetry is the creed of conciseness. The voice of a poem is much stronger when less words are used. For example, here are the first few lines, first two drafts of a piece I'm working on. When I started it read "The black silhoette seems to float on the ethereal blue backdrop." Since it was to go into a poem it was changed to, "Black silhoette floats in ethereal blue."
All the key words are still there, simply more pronounced. I think this poem would be greatly improved if you went over it with this in mind.
Along the same lines, using the 'ing' form of a verb is rather passive. When you move the verbs into the present active tense they jump off the page at the reader. Take this line for example: "Breaking, tearing, taking/ me away from my love." Now read, "Break, tear, take/ me away from my love."
These are all just suggestions that might help make a little more of an impact on those going over your scholarship. I hope that they are helpful.
Let me know how it all goes!
Keep writing, you definitely have a natural talent.
I particularly enjoyed this piece, I believe, because the subject matter is very much along the lines of a conversation I had with a friend yesterday. He asked what would be more "beneficial" to the human race, capitalism or communism.
I was an english major and naturally went with a rather ridgid meaning of beneficial, which led him to a correction, replacing the word with progressive. Which led to evolution which led to preserving ourselves.
I believe I would still have enjoyed this piece thoroughly without having the conversation previously as well though. Like most similar works it required a little more thought and rereading than most works, but it is worth it to grasps what you are trying to present.
The only problems I noticed were a few minor punctuation errors that will be caught easily.
On another note, have you ever thought about sitting down and expounding on everyone of the premises presented in this essay? It is something I have thought of often and find myself bogged down in. If you have done it, or do it in the future I would love to read it.
Wonderful job... I can't wait to get a look at your portfolio.
alec kushoff
This piece reminds me of a book I have called "Shorts." It is a very good collection of this new style of fiction, my favorite sort. You have done a wonderful job of capturing a moment that holds a lifetime.
I did notice some technical errors.
- the first ending quotation marks need to be moved right behind the period.
- "the lobby was all but empty, but it was always" you might want to reconsider the repetition of but.
- "they are the same way" i believe that for the sake of agreement this should be "they were"
- "Tracey was with them of course" need a period to off-set 'of course'.
- "opened slowly, by a spring that was quite happy coiled" there is no need for the comma here and I believe that happy should be happily... it was happily coiled being the adverb.
- in the dialogue you end two lines in a row with the word 'again.' It might sound better if you simply eliminate again from the second line.
Keep up the good work, I will look for more of your work.
I think this is a lovely poem, a great tribute to one of the many blessings of nature. I Like the imagery of the gnarled trees fighting with the sunlight and becoming monsters.
The only suggestion I have for you is a slight revision of the punctuation in the first stanza. You break every line with a period which doesn't seem to be compatible with the rest of the poem. The shift really occurs when you use a comma after "monsters they were," (a beautiful line, by the way).
Thank you for writing!
alec kushoff
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