You write well but I would work on eliminating redundancy and unneeded words. (just should never be used) I had this female friend (My friend Jade... Let the name tell us the gender.) I have known her since high school... Maybe ( Friends since high school we really never hung out together until recently)
Also write it like you if you are talking to someone else.
Here is an idea for the first part of your story
You see I have, or should I say had, a friend Jade who, rumor has it, is unofficially known as the town S-L-U-T. Now I'm not one prone to idle gossip, but after what happened a couple of days ago, I can say with a hundred percent certainty it's a rumor no more.
You show a flair for writing. Your descriptions are good and the flow of the piece is well thought out.
When I write a start out big and then look to consolidate. Moving sentences around, eliminating needless or repetitive information or adverbs / adjectives. I may rewrite a single passage several times until it sounds right to my ear.
I rewrote the beginning. Not saying it is right but to give you an idea where I am coming from.
Keep writing and I look forward to your next installment.
"I don't understand... Where could he be?" Karnak-Ra thought to himself as he made his way along the same cobblestone street for the sixth time that day all the while trying to figure out where he went wrong on his search. Attired in the garb of a high priest made of leopard skin with a pharaoh's headdress, the youthful and athletic Karnak-Ra had been sent by the authorities to St. Petersburg, Missouri in search of Doctor Marcus Thorne, a well-known and respected scientist who had disappeared under mysterious circumstances. (What authorities?)
The last time he had been seen was in his hotel room reading a battered copy of "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer". And while the fact he was reading a classic of American literature set in the same local where he disappeared tweaked Karnak-Ra attention, he couldn't help believing that something else was a foot and that he was about to bite off more than he could chew.
Your writing is good. I think you might want to be more creative in your writing. Picture the scene in your head and let the juices flow. (Don't tell...show_) hardeest part of writing
I have put some ideas down below. Not saying they are right but some idea.
Keep writing.
I would give the characters names. Also rolling the eyes tells me he is annoyed. So leave annoyance out. Also you really don't need standing before him.
“Girls don’t play football,” he said with annoyance rolling his eyes at the scrawny ponytailed girl standing before him.
Maybe
"Girls can't play football," Bill Baker said rolling his eyes at scrawny, pigtailed Emily Wolcott. "This is tackle football and we would crush you like a bug." The boys behind him laugh and nod in agreement.
"I ain't afraid of y'all," Emily loudly retorts, masking her nervousness best she can.
Also I don't think kids would use the word ignorance.
... I'm not gettin' grounded 'cause your stupid...
Your writing shows a creative flair which is good, but you tend to overuse adjectives and adverbs which makes the read difficult.
The flow of the story is good.
Check your tenses you switch back and forth from present tense and past tense.
Consider reducing your use of modifiers.... here are a few ideas.
I gasped and took a startled step back.... I already know you were startled when you gasped... I gasped as I took a step back.
Plain, old, boring human head.... how can a head be boring Find one word to describe the head.
Winston,’ I smiled back at her, baring my fangs again. Perhaps this was how vampires conducted their mating rituals. It seemed as good an approach as any. ... Don't need to say again. Get rid of perhaps "the vampiric mating ritual I had perfected over the years.
She bared her own back and and cackled again... She bared her back and cackled. It's her back we know that and don't use again.
I almost bounded up to her.... I bounded up to her You can't almost bound up to someone
Creative work that needs work. I have some suggestions below. Not saying theu are right just my thoughts on how to improve.
Keep writing.
Be careful of switching tenses....The work is in past tense yet the line "Nope. Excuse me," he took out his phone for a call, walking away from me. His pace clearly hastened." is present (walking should be as he walked away.)
I think you should read it aloud and condense it by eliminating unnecessary modifiers.
EX. I walked towards the politician and held out a static gun. The floor announced my presence in rhythmic clacks.
"The floor creaked as I approached the politician and held out the static gun."
EX It was basically a new version of guns, that used no gunpowder since that resource was already long gone. It shot pellets stored with electricity. Stun to death. And the pellets were reusable. Kinda pushing the green tech label if you asked me.
The sleek, metallic device held a small collection of reusable electric pellets, each one capable of delivering a fatal shock to its victim. It's cutting-edge technology, a necessary substitute for guns, which had become obsolete due to the lack of gunpowder.
EX "Sigh. Just take it." should be "Just take it," he sighed.
"Much better! Hold onto it, will ya?" I said as
"Oh! Here's a tip," I looked back, as if I recalled something.
"Keep it hidden. Haha!" I chuckled at his rigid appearance. My voice echoed in the metallic corridor. The buffer was done, next for the Comms.
This needs to be all one
"Much better! Hold onto it, will ya?" My voice echoed in the metallic corridor as I walked past him. "Oh! And here's a tip," I chuckled. "Keep it hidden."
Ryuk's life was in the dumpster. Bad complexion, no friends, bullies teased him for laughs. He once asked a girl out he liked, thinking the worst she could say was no. "I'm dating your dad," she confessed. He was wrong.
Then Cathrine came along.
Then launch into the scene in the alley, finding the box etc.
Also try to show more and not tell
Feeling devastated, he walked into a lonely back alley.
Try: With shaking hands, he pulled a revolver from his jacket and pressed it against his temple. Slowly he squeezed the trigger.... then maybe something like the cat mewing from the box stopped him. (See I am showing, not telling he is going to take his life.
Your writing shows promise. Br more creative in painting a picture for the reader and sowing more rather than telling.
I rewrote the first part of your story. Your writing is good but tends to be to formal. Loosen up, it's called creative writing. Paint me pictures with words. Don't be so quick to move on.
Liliana is your normal high school senior (List a few Attributes that make her normal) who can't wait to graduate and head of to the sun and fun of the University of Hawaii. Except there's one problem, one very big problem. Her AP Literature teacher Ms. Davies hates her. Hates might be an understatement. Detest, abhors, loathes... pick your adjective. With a personality that even Mr. Rogers would find offensive, she spends the day wallowing about her personal life which is about as eventful as a deserted street. Plus, the fact that she gives out grades based on her favorite "pets" and that the class is the last one of the day only adds to her demise.
One night after (NOW TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED THAT CAUSED HER TO TALK TO HER PARENTS) No go on.
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