This was truly excellent work! It was a wonderful conveyance of your feelings of lost love. All of your images and descriptions are top-notch, and I can't tell you how much I love the title. Use the Life Jacket, Love, save yourself for me.
This was okay work. You used nice words and images, and I love the play on words.....Mourning at Sunrise......Morning at Sunrise. Your descriptions and literary devices were all very good.
However, it all seemed a little impractical to me, and a bit silly. What are the chances that he'd fall to his death just seconds after he proposed? And why were they standing at the edge of a cliff anyway?
Suggestions:-
Put spaces between each paagraph; it looks neater, and makes it easier to read.
Give maybe just a little more background information on these two people.
If you can, makes Darren's death seem a little more plausible. The way it's phrsed here, it made me want to giggle.
This was a very, dark, intriguing and extremely thought-provoking piece. I really like the title and description; they're appropriate, and it's what drew me in.
I liked your frank treatment of the issue of sin, hypocrisy and wrongdoing; if that is indeed what you are adressing. I'm sorry, I have a tendency to misconstrue the meanings of poems. If I'm not correct, could you help me out?
Sorry it took so long for me to return the favour of your review; I was a bit busy.
You did a really good job with this story! I like the short sentences that you started with. It gave the piece an eerie suspenseful mood, right from the beginning. The short, sharp lines made me thnk of static, or gunshots.
I love your descriptions! They meld to create a vivid setting.
Then in this mass of space, this expansive building, in the smallest quarter...in the smallest room...in the smallest bed...in the smallest corner, is Danny, all curled up into a ball.
I adore those lines. It was chilling, how it progressed.....
I don't know much about autism, but I like the way you presented it; his parents' incomprehension, his fear and slight paranoia. It was very effective. You have a great writing style!
There were a few mistakes:-
Left to it's own devises. - Should be devices.
This:- "Be quiet, theres no one home". Comes
Should be this:- "Be quiet, there's no one home," comes
Keep in mind that punctuation marks should come before the close inverted commas.
This was a wonderful write, absolutely stunning in its copious use of the most vibrant images. It was a delightful smorgasbord of imagery, nature, descriptive and figurative language.
You made every little piece of your world come alive. I could see it very clearly in my mind's eye.
Suggestions:-
You might consider putting a space between each paragraph; it would make it easier on the eyes.
the ripples come to a rest - A few paragraphs above, you used the word ripple about three times. Consider replacing it with undulations or quivers
the grass ripples in its wake - Again, maybe you might want to replace this word with something like shivers, quivers or quavers.
Mistakes:-
Only one:-
as its’ ripples return - Should be its, no need for the apostrophe.
I enjoyed reading this a lot. Thanks for sharing, and write on!
Tha formatting. Nothing short of brilliant, how at each stage, you gave it a little indent, heightening the anticipation, drawing out the suspense, then slamming me back to the wall with your breath-taking conclusion.
Your use of short, sharp lines was perfectly suited, pounding out like gun-shots. Your words, you created such tension and trepidation with them. I love how you told it from the stranger's point of view; it was downright scary when he said:-
None
of the neighbours
rings
like this
Ack! Also:-
I know
you're there
behind
the DOOR
was very terrifying; capitalisation of DOOR, very efective.
The poem was real, came alive in so many ways, because, who can't identify with it? It's dark and quiet, you're home alone, there comes a knock on the door.....
You did a good job with the title and description of it also. Summaries are important; they're what pull your readers in.
... and the staircase is dark. You're alone at home. I saw it, and I knew I just had to read it.
Congratuations, honey. This was the {i}Insert all possible superlatives here{/i} thing I've read in..... gosh, a long time. SM and SMs should consider adding a 6 button for items like this.
Tee hee. I had a lot of fun reading about the bizarre and comic events of your life. I like how you make subtle fun of some of those autobiographists who start to story of their life from when they were born, like they can actually remember.
I suggest you put spaces between paragraphs for better organisation, and so it'll be easier to read.
Okay, I really enjoyed your story. It was spooky indeed. It was well-written, had good organisation, and few mistkes (only one, actually, in punctuation). Your words were shrouded in mystery, giving the piece an eerie setting. You still wrote clearly, and it was easy to understand your words.
Therefore, the only problem here is my density. .....I don't get it. I mean, I get the irony that the police are talking about the probability of him finding another body, and whaddadya know, he has, but, what was with the cell phone? Did he recognise something about it, did it have some connection with his camera.....?
Please, don't worry about your style of writing being too ambiguous or anything; like I said, I'm just dense. Pretty pleae explain.
Oh, and the little mistake you made:-
"Sure does seem weird, though." He repeated. - You should replace that with:- "Sure does seem weird, though," he repeated.
This poem was cannot be described as anything but simply stunning in every sense of the word. Gosh, where should I start......?
Imagery. It was absolutely delightful. You etched each picture ito my mind with descriptive words like no others.
intimidated
By your dainty feet in a song of steps
Those lines are beautiful, really.
The personification as taken to extreme heights as you told the country's history. I especially liked the stanza where you described China's fascination with Cambodia.
This was a terrific piece of work, enjoyable both as poetry and a small history lesson. Keep this fantastic work up!
This poem was simply stunning in its imagery. You gave a pain-stakingly detailed description of the wonders of the day as it progressed from dawn to dusk. it really was very beautiful. I must commend you on this beautiful piece of work.
One bone I have to pick with you though; why is it all capitalised? It kinda made my eyes hurt while reading it, and made me sorta confused (that mught be just me though ). Why don't you put it in sentence case?
This was a very interesting, thought-provoking story. I really liked your character. He was real, and I could identify with him. It was also very sad in a way.
There was one mistake.
I was a real adult
And I have one suggestion:-
Wouldn't you know, his older sister and her friends - I put in a comma between 'know' and 'his', because it seemed appropriate and gave the sentence pause.
This story delighted me! It was one of the most facinating boy-meets-girl stories I've ever read. It ran smoothly, and was very amusing. You had me enraptured with your beautiful words (I love authors who have a command over the English language). I like how you described the Museum; some authors would have neglected that. You paint very clear visuals.
The ending was just about perfect, and cavity-inducingly sweet.
You'll need to give this a quik edit; there were some mistakes in punctuation. Nothing so big that it was necessary for me to point it out, just little things like commas where periods should be, vice versa, a couple of things that should've been capitalised, etc. And the paragraph spacing wasn't consistent.
This was absolutely lovely, and heart-achingly sweet. It's simplicity was what made it astounding, in that you used such little words, and your sentences were uncomplicated, but yet it is still such a heartfelt piece of work.
As for the length, I think it admirble that you can pack such a punch in so few words.
This was a beautiful poem. You chose your words carefully, and in them was the ability to make me feel so happy and hopeful. It was quite clever how you never strayed from the quote, but rather incorporated it in every line.
I'm sitting here with a smile on my face because of you. Thanks for sharing and keep up this fantastic work!
I can totally identify with this poem. It really is hard sometimes, when you have all these feelings bottled up inside you, and you want to express them, but you can't quite find the words to thoroughly and adequtely explain them.
I like your writing style, and the subtle way you made certain lines rhyme.
Writing can be a medicinal art.
I rather like that line; it's quite true. I also love the transition from dark, depressing purple to angry red. Quite clever.
This was an absolutely beautiful poem; a wonderful hybrid of scenery, imagery and romance. The idyll you created with your words was superb; your descriptive language, top-notch. Your metaphors were as fresh and cool as the sea breeze you made me feel.
Sea on surf on sand on grass,
I quite like the rhythm and effect that line has. Your piece is just about perfect.
I have one suggestion.
‘Twas the Queen's Birthday public holiday - I think that a semi-colon between 'Birthday' and 'public' would be appropriate.
This was a beautiful, poignant poem. You wooed me with your words; made me feel sad while at the same time made me feel your longing. I like the transition from the verse verse into the second verse; from a dream-like stage to the mundane. I rather like the title; very clever. I also find the last four lines to be brilliant.
Lovely, quite arresting piece of work you have here. Keep it up, and welcome to Writing.com!
I like this very, very much. Not like a story, it was more like a collection of pictures.......snapshots from a time before. Everything was described in earnest, very beautifully. There was a haunting sadness, melancholy about the last papragraph..... very poignant in its finality.
I am quite in love with this poem. I have seldom seen such raw, unbridled emotions catalouged in words. It is simply genius. The rhythm is divine, your words are smooth and polished, your imagery is perfected. This is a certified masterpiece. The anger, blood, gore, lust; they all melt into one and flow.
Oooh...... Lovely style you have, and a very interesting pattern. A pause between and second and third line. Every third line a question, and the fourth an answer or a supposition. Again, your way with words takes my breath away. This is a showcase of real talent!
I could feel all that you were trying to convey, your sadness at this one's departure, your suffering.
There were a few mistakes; all minor and easily corrected.
First, I want to say that I don't really like to put a tag on people's ages; I really don't think that the way you write says anything about your age. You can be eight years old, and depart divine wisdom, and you can be forty years old and say a whole lot of nothing. But since you asked, I'd say you're anywhere between 14 and 24.
Okay, now on to your wonderful peom. Firstly; a joy to read. I've seen rather a lot of poems sorta like this, but you looked at it from a whole different angle, gave it your own special twist, what with the bet and all. You made use of good imagery and descriptions, with quite sophisticated language.
Your rhyme scheme was good, and you kept the metre at at times. Your poem has excellent flow, and that's really important. There were no grammatical errors of any sort, and that made it all the more enjoyble to read.
Whoa....if things like this actually happened, my soul would be a mangled piece of mothingness. It's true. How many times, do we as writers just beg for something to appear on the stupid paper, ANYTHING. Thrilling stroy; great idea. I love the ending.
Now, to make things easier for your readers, you might want to space out the paragraphs, as it makes for easier reading, and makes the story look overall, tidier. Also, there is a large blank space at the beginning. Ou might want to fix that.
Stunning in its simplicity, this short poem packed a world of emotions that we all at one point in time feel. You think of all the right things to say, the best things, but when the time comes and you see him, all of that flies out of the window.
Terrific job!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/literallyill
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 9:54am on Jun 18, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Put spaces between each paagraph; it looks neater, and makes it easier to read.