Ooh. Very interesting!!! I love it. I love the hidden emotion in it. I really don't have any suggestions for you. The flow is okay, I only stumbled once or twice over some things but I'm not sure how to advise you on fixing it. For example: and turn out the light / on you, maybe that was a personaly problem but I stumbled over the line break. :)
You have way too many dots. Find other ways of punctuating. You have all of one real sentence ending and that's at the very end of the poem. To help the flow and even just the form and look of the poem, try to seperate your sentences with more than just commas. Go through and re-evaluate. If you have to, take out all the punctuation, slowly read it to yourself as if you've never read it before and then decide where to place commas and periods.
Now, for other details.
First stanza, third and fourth lines. In my opinion you're building up to something good just in the first stanza.
Sometimes in the ocean of love or,
Amidst a bed of flowers,
I started reading this whole stanza and when I got to this part I was like, "Ocean of love" a little cliche but it still sparks a little imagination. The problem with these two lines is that you go from an abstract thought to something concrete. I think for better effect you should swap it.
Also, something I just now noticed. You say " They take me to places unexplored" and they say something about the "Ocean of love" but you continue to talk about love as if you have experienced it before.
Every time I look into them,
I see a new you and a new me,
Merging as one,
Dancing and basking in the glory of love,
If I saw a new me every time I looked into my lovers' eyes I'd be scared. Why is it exactly that I keep changing?! Would be my thought. I'm assuming you would look into a lovers' eyes quite often. Does it make sense to see new versions of you every time? Maybe simple rewording would fix this problem.
Your eyes….are the gateway to our souls,
Souls which are one since time immemorial,
And shall remain so till eternity!
I'd be scared if his eyes were the gateway to MY soul. Sure they make my soul fill with emotion but someone else's eyes are going to be a door to their soul only.
Immemorial. Interesting how you throw in a rare word amongst the common every day words. It sticks out like a sore thumb. Not only that but you used it wrong. Immemorial is an adjective and you used it as a verb. AND time and immemorial just don't work together.
Besides the harsh criticism, I did somewhat enjoy this poem. I think it definitely has potential but is very much the beginning of a rough draft. I can identify with the feelings, they are very real though they seem presented in a very young and... almost middle school or early highschool setting. No offense there. You go through the stages as time passes. :)
I hope that I've helped you out! Keep writing!!!
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