I loved this, especially since it is true?
I see a couple of mechanical fixes needed =
...where there came no harm ... (place)
... will be the job for me ... (that flows better for the story)
... often, tourists would stop ... (plural)
... what their eyes did see ... (possessive)
Conundrum indeed! This is an intriguing dystopian warning, in my opinion. I love the technique in which you repeated "Dogwoods were blooming..."
Nice, concise, and like rolling thunder, suddenly it strikes home "A woman alone is not allowed,"
An easy 5 stars from me.
A tiny suggestion, after remembered his name... how about an introspective thought "she wished she'd remembered to vote." (after all this upcoming election may well be won or lost by those that choose the couch instead of the polling place. IMHO
Ha ha!! I totally could relate to your story. And I love the "self talk" especially when idiots are following you.
There was a time that I was sure I must be under witness protection or something as nobody (relatives included) could find my house when following the GPS in their vehicles or their phones.
I took my phone into the Cell company, and they calibrated it and said it WAS working correctly! What was going on?
Finally, the "man about town" weekly newspaper column mentioned that because the resort had upgraded and been rezoned (Oprah was to arrive the next summer) somehow almost a half mile of our street had been moved (not physically, just via co-ordinates) in error!
That explained why we'd often got "I'm lost" calls from the resort coffee shop!
Later everybody; the phone people, the resort people, etc. all said it wasn't true, just some urban lesson.
So what am I, my relatives, and the Fed-Ex and UPS drivers? Chopped liver?
This Haiku follows a traditional syllable count and placement.
Each line is able to stand alone then are drawn together by the last line.
That's well done.
The brown needles (fallen to the ground after the heat of summer)
and the word "ripe" both evoke the necessary seasonal element in Haiku.
Again well done.
The only thing I could fault is using the title as part of the poem.
(That's a very western world treatment.) But as it can be ignored
and the poem still works, I'd deduct nothing in a contest.
(Also I learned something - I never knew there were "beautyberries)
this is almost a Billy Joel style lament!
Except for the hysterically funny last line.
Sounds like brothers, or really good friends,
commiserating!
I liked this, well done!
I laughed aloud (oh, am I insensitive?) at the bounced brick! Anyway this was a good story in just 300 words.
I see only one error that should be edited -
"Holding a washcloth to her battered face, she changed, told some pain meds and went to bed."
Shouldn't 'told' be 'took' or 'swallowed' ?
foxtale
When I get to Heaven, first thing I'll do is grab my horn..... and blow for Blue! Ya Ha Blue (yodeled) you good dog you (yodeled)
(Old hillbilly song.)
You handled this short, short-story in less than a hundred words that said it all!
Well Done!
Ha! You reached way back for the Gary Warren Hart scandal!
But I really think you need to include the unbelievable (but true) name of the yacht
(drum roll please) MONKEY BUSINESS
It's true, you can look it up.
Also, Gary only had one R in his first name, two in his second name.
And this also is funny - his service in the US Navy Reserve was as (again a drum roll please)
..... a Lieutenant in JAG (Judge Adjutant General).... those serve as the personal legal advisors to their commanders. Oh, hypocrisy show thy face!
Powerful images in just 87 words. This could find a home in a Flash Fiction contest.
I see only a few edits needed; "escapes to paints" did you mean to write "paint"
"His instrument is a violin" is weak. Have you seen it? Do you know from the sound?
I believe it would be more lyrical (especially since this is about his music) to parse the sentence -
you'll see then perhaps "The violin is his instrument and ..."
That suddenly made me go back to the title.
Perhaps Invisible Neighbor, or Mysterious Neighbor
Intriguing titles cause the reader to stop perusing and think "I must read this one"
My standard disclaimer; a critique is just another person's opinion - take it or leave it - or edit it too!
I found this searching "educational." As I have an essay in my portfolio about learning to write Haiku in the old traditional style, I thought this "How to Learn" would be an interesting read.
And it was indeed. Laughed as I found out our discarded devices would be fodder for learning by a juvenile Gig-foot.
Thanks for showing us your funny idea.
Max, I enjoyed reading your story from the outset.
" Matt pressed his palm against the window pane and let his forehead kiss the glass. Outside, an immaculate shroud of snow enfolded the night-shadowed avenue. Flakes, silent and implacable, wafted through the streetlight's halo " I am glad that you were able to drift into our century from a time past, when people could write!
"... under juniper and sunlight..." I was just out back during a reprieve in unseasonal rainstorms here in California. The juniper buds its fragrant berries (essential to gin production) this month! So, for me, the sentence evokes warmth and scent. From his memories.
Then the eerie surprise.
Another surprise when I looked back at the word count. SO MUCH in just 900 words.
Sadly this system only allows a maximum of 5 stars. This is a TEN!
Great scene setting in the first line.
The dialog was handled very well.
This short, sweet, and poignant story is
very thought provoking.
Powerful last line.
I see nothing to change, except maybe
Ida Mae would recall "... And I first heard it in 1962 after my ..."
That might also lead the reader to surmise maybe she didn't often participate
because the group, as you indicated, usually discussed song from the 50's
(I looked it up and several artists first recorded it in 1962.)
- Critiques are just another person's opinion.
A poem that touches the heart.
I notice some of the meter is off. Easily enhanced with a few changes.
(remember a critique is just another person's opinion)
2nd line change to- "it has to be .... - and you'll match the meter of the line above.
5th line add "that's" in front of ... "in Ecuador" and you have 10 syllables.
6th line add "any" in front of mountain, and you'll match the meter in line above.
7th change "beauty is" to "beauty's" and you have 8 syllables.
9th add "so" in front of "beautiful" to get a meter of 10.
10th add "many" in front of years, to get meter of 10.
11th change "so sorrowful" to "such sorrow" to get a meter of 8.
13th add "so" in front of "many" to get meter of 10.
now your poem meter is 10, 10, 8, 8 for each of first 3 stanzas,
then ends 10, 10 for last two lines.
Try this, then read it out loud, and I think you'll have a melodic meter now.
Interesting essay.
A point, which may sound passive, but is really a way of getting acceptance from readers, is to make this your opinion. (People sometimes fight rules, but most are willing to listen to another's opinion.)
Thus, you could add "To me," as the beginning of the second sentence.
Also to make this more reader friendly, try some double spacing between paragraphs.
Thus first sentence actually becomes a paragraph of its own. the third paragraph I would suggest begins at "Writing our diary..." notice at that point you switch from "our" to "me" so should "our" be changed to "a" or "my" ?
And "doing" a garden. Do you mean "Working in a garden" or "Starting a garden" ? also drop "which" in that sentence so the two or three ways becomes the reader's choice.
I suggest the next sentence become a new paragraph "What about..." note "and that to" is confusing in front of "others." Maybe replace "and that to" with "or" then add "who" after "others" and end with question mark after "overwhelmed."
"In conclusion..." should be the final paragraph.
Try these changes, read out loud, and see if that makes this more informative as a personal essay.
- remember, however, critique is just another person's opinion, not a requirement!
this is a delight. Both of my sons worked at camp (different years) and sometimes the director and staff come up with winning strategies to make each memorable for the weekly campers!
Some of my experience with a bear also is in my portfolio.
There is only one area I could see that needed work.
the head elf just suddenly pops up. Perhaps a detail or two earlier about how the staff and director brought about the "elf" at Christmas motif.
A story that could come from headlines. So many times we hear of a hiker who doesn't make it out of a fall. The "life flashing before my eyes" played out here as visions from her family life. I liked that dialog.
The one problem I see is that the story gets very weak at the end.
"It turned out there were other people on the trail that morning. She was found by the side of the path and helped to a hospital. She was going to be all right."
See how passive that ending is? ..."other people on the trail.." perhaps describe them and their reactions to finding someone exhausted, who had obviously self-rescued. How was she "helped to a hospital" -rangers? Someone rushing her in their own car? I think your ending could be a whole paragraph.
still it is a story worth reading as is.
This is very close to a poem written in Japanese Haiku style.
Each line stands alone (except the second stanza is weak in traditional styling.
You might consider changing "of" into "for"
I have an essay "Adventures in Haiku" that details some of the traditional style
Entertaining and informative. (My mother grew up in Kansas and recalled a hot day when she got tired of the tire swing _ that's the humorous way she always began a story of her times in the back yard - which butted up against the county fairgrounds) anyway, she got out of the swing and sat down on the gnarled roots of the cottonwood tree. Except, the root suddenly writhed and slithered away, leaving her screaming then dry heaving! It, too, was a giant Kingsnake.
You handle dialog very well (that is a bane of mine, I struggle with dialog.)
I found nothing to suggest that would improve this gem
The first two stanzas are able to stand alone.
The last line draws them together. But it doesn't stand alone.
This is so close a traditional Japanese style of Haiku, if some way the last line was reworked.
Mastiff, I see you've adapted a change to create a traditional Haiku. (With the moment of enlightenment as the second line then leading the reader int "anger is beauty"
I have adjusted my rating upward.
I usually fall back on my essay "Adventures in Haiku" as my guide for judging Haiku.
This was a delightful poem to read.
Too many years since I lived in snow country,
but the joy of a snowflake chase brought memories flooding back.
The poem raced along in a fast light meter, I could almost hear
my snow boots crunching. Well done.
Very close to traditional Haiku.
first and last lines can stand alone.
Starting the second with "as" doesn't make a traditional link.
Perhaps a cutting symbol - or perhaps the word "So"
would make this a complete traditional Haiku.
You present a powerful story of personal emotion and introspection, especially highlighted
in this sentence - Me and my mother are two individuals fighting two separate wars within ourselves just trying to come back home alive -
(Although proper structure is to put yourself second - my mother and I - you can always check that by removing one or the other then seeing if it still makes sense - you wouldn't write "me are" so it becomes I, then it sounds out of whack to say I and my mother, whereas My mother and I sounds right.)
A thought- stream of consciousness writing doesn't mean a non-stop sentence.
You could make this so much more readable, by separation of sentences and paragraphs.(double-space)
You can edit this by reading out loud. Put commas and/or periods at each point you naturally pause.
Your poem attracted me because of the title. Who doesn't want to know about someone's hero?
I noted you rhyme to every second line.
This reads very well when read aloud, which I enjoyed.
your line, My hero was a soldier... then explains what so many soldiers return from.
I too chose to repeat a story of the Mixed Signals my own dad faced.
And rarely talked about, yet enough that we knew it was hell.
Then the man he became so well done, especially with the wry humor,
... and sometimes even cook...
I don't measure against the "formulas" I enjoyed your poem's construction,
as well as you letting us see the man, your hero.
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