I want to start out by saying that I think this story has some potential. It deals with interesting issues (death and God being the most important and interesting) and it is generally well written, no glaring grammatical errors that I could find. My biggest criticism is with the dialouge; through out the story it tends to move from melodramatic, " 'Oh Bill! I don’t think she is going to make it to remission!'" to odd (I don't think a teenage girl would say " 'You, Dad, or Melanie never did anything to deserve the pain that accompanies my cancer! I am so very sorry that I am hurting you all!' " while vomiting into a toilet. It all feels very unnatural, and I think that it would be improved if you would allow it to loosen up. Use contractions in dialouge, use improper grammar... make it sound natural and it will be even more powerful.
I hope you do not think I am being harsh, but I think that there is some potential in this story, but I do not believe it is fully developed. Yet. I'd also like to see you explore the relationship with God a bit more, why do they seem so content with God during all of this and where does the scholarship come from?
Anyway, keep writing.
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