Your opening drew me in immediately, setting up the interactions with the Diqini.
I did have a little trouble with Jim not remembering the words of the aliens, but then reporting that he and the other athletes had been invited to the Digini world. That didn't mesh for me.
From there things got a little jumpy for me. It seems at one point Jim wakes up, I presume on the ship, jogs in place for a couple minutes and goes back to sleep. Why? Then all of a sudden, we're on the planet with an escort. No transition and no real scene break.
The ending comes out of nowhere, yet at the same time, it read as a cliche. I think you could set it up better. Give the reader some ominous hints that Jim is separated from the other athletes, that something weird is going on. Then forget about the "fast food" line. For me, it really cheapened the story.
A good effort given the constrictions. I would, however, have liked something different here. What you have is almost entirely predictable. Give the story a bit of an unexpected twist, like they send him back in time or perhaps deposit him at the opera, or something unexpected.
Another suggestion would be to go through the story and make it more direct. For example, you have: The next thing he knew, Bill was waking up bound to a white table made of something plastic-like. . It would read more direct if you have instead: Bill woke up, bound to a table that felt like plastic, only colder. You can also cut down word count by getting rid of all those "-ing" words.
Hope you found something helpful here. Remember, this is only my opinion.
Most of this is description of place, not a person.
I got little sense about this person, Davis. The reflection in the mirror is almost as much of a cliche as the reflection in a window. I'd rather see him doing something rather than watching a video or the bay. I'd also like some internal dialog to give me a sense of his character.
My recommendation, put Davis into action and let the reader "see" him.
Amusing snippet here. Not sure what you can do with it, but it put a smile on my face.
It went past me that the line ”Daddy! Can you play ‘Cops and Robbers’ later? I want some ice cream now.” is spoken by the cop's son until I started writing this and began to point out that you didn't have the cop's kid say anything. Not sure how to fix that.
Also, in this line: “That’s what I’m going to do Officer!” You need a comma before "officer".
Amusing piece! And likely very true. I had no trouble picturing exactly what was going on. I do think, however, that you might want to take a look at word choices here and there. For example, in the first paragraph, you have the Sergeant looking on in "horror". I think this is a bit strong. Perhpas "dismay", or even "disgust".
Later, when the Gunships are hooked up, you say the line goes "taught". I think it should be "taut".
I also wonder, would you really have a BG as Brigade commander? I think it's usually a Colonel.
Your opening image was very well done. I could easily picture it in my mind. Unfortunately, from there you lost me repeatedly. Perhaps I’m not really the audience for this work and perhaps I’m not familiar with your setting. I struggled with the “dummy judge” and still don’t understand what this refers to. Does this take place in the US or UK? In the US, the family of the deceased would be behind the defendant, not in front.
Through the middle section, I wasn’t sure what was happening. Is this a flashback? And at the end, I was really thrown since I thought it was a woman on trial.
Sorry I can’t be more positive. You do have some great images though. I loved the ants crawling across the fedora. Keep writing!
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