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Review of Pass  
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
I feel that a main problem with this passage is disinterest in the characters. There are no defining characteristics that make them stick out in the reader's mind. They do not talk, so you can't deliver a connection through dialogue, so perhaps consider changing them a bit, make them more unique. In addition, the narrator tells the audience everything that happens in a rather list like fashion, and the long sentences make the rather short passage stretch on. Consider shortening your sentences. Instead of saying, "Peaches just wanted to go out and do things," explain what they are.
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