My True Self

In the pit of My Stomach
In the bowels of my heart
In the depth of my soul
Day to Day this anger tries to consume my being
I can hear its voice telling me to put the knife to my skin
I can hear it tell me to stop breathing
I can hear it whisper to just die
It is a war within my own flesh
As I bleed on the inside I wear a mask of deception
Trying to hide the darkness that I feel trying to burst through my chest and out my throat
Sleeping is an epic battle
What I would give for a dreamless sleep
Even in my dreams I see them running after me
I can feel their fingers around my throat
Stabbed from behind
Being repeatedly raped night after night
My insides burn
The anguish I felt when I realized that I didn’t
How my caged heart cried as I died each moment
The numbness I felt caused each second to feel like an eternity
Death seemed to far away
The feeling of happiness evaporated
Life was meaningless.
How I hated the person I tried to hide
My True Self
I could see hell
In my dreams the flames
In the day the torment
I walked death row each day
I thought that part of myself had gone
Why do I still feel the erg to pick up the knife?
Why do I scream in the night?
Why does the inner most part of my being long for the
Release of that darkness,
For the final battle cry,
For the next gash to be my last,
For death to take hold.
Was it ever Truly gone?
Or have I hidden it from myself?