To Dream Alone

To Dream Alone

         How could you do this to me?  I stand alone on the field of victory and cannot understand how this has come to pass.  We should be standing shoulder to shoulder but you lie within the cold earth instead.
         I feel as if I cannot bear this pain, as if I cannot stand alone in a world that has gone suddenly and inexplicably mad.  Do you remember the plans we made?  The plans that we would wed after the demons of the north were driven back to their stinking dens.  We planned on having a child of our own; did you forget?
         What madness drove you to make this choice?  I wanted you, not your sacrifice.  Where is your precious honor now?  You promised me.
         I want to weep and scream aloud but I can do neither.  Did you forget that I was a shield maiden of our tribe?  Did you forget that the Bear Clan trains their daughters to fight as well as their men?  Did you forget that we have lived under this threat for so long now that we have forgotten the gentle ways of our ancestors, the ways of peace?  How could you forget what I am when you once reveled in my strength?
         How could you do this to me?  The dreams we shared are like so many ashes on my tongue; they are a bitter pill to swallow now.  You have gone where I cannot follow this time; I cannot find the strength within myself to forgive this sin.
         I am chieftain now of a clan so battered by war that their hope is fled.  My father, so strong and vibrant, has lain beneath the earth for many seasons now, leaving his only daughter to lead the clan to victory.  You were there, my love.  You heard my vow that this war would end in victory for my people and you vowed to stand beside me to the end.  You were not of my people; you were free to leave if you so chose.  You didn’t chose to leave then; how could you leave me now?
         We made our plans for after the war when we would have time for more peaceful pursuits.  There was supposed to be an after for us.  But all our moments have fled and our time has been spent.  The dreams died beside you on that field of carnage.  We thought that all the demons left behind were dead, that their malice was spent.  I did not see the injured one rise up behind me but you did.  Why did you not just call out a warning?  You must have forgotten that I stood on a field of battle before I was truly a woman.  What madness made you take a blade that was meant for me?
         If not for me, would you have even been on that battlefield?  It was friendship to my father that drew you into this fight; it was more than friendship for his daughter that kept you.  If only I had sent you away, you would be alive to stand with me today.
         I must accept this burden of guilt along with my burden of leadership.  The clan looks to me, barely daring to believe that it is truly over and wonder what they are to do now.  For so long, we have trained and fought for this moment and we don’t know how to react now that it has arrived.  There are other fallen warriors to bury and sing across to the Halls of the Victorious Dead.  There are plans that need to be drawn up and decisions that need to be made.  There are children to be fed and homes need to be found for those who lost all their worldly goods to the fires the demons set to break us.
         Are we broken then?  I don’t think we are.  There is much life left in these hardened warriors and battle scarred veterans of war.  Perhaps somewhere in their eyes, I can find some kernel of hope to hold onto for the future.  Perhaps somewhere in the midst of my battered tribe, I can find a reason to keep moving forward.
         I am afraid, my love, perhaps for the first time in my life.  I am not afraid to face my foes on the field of battle or of the challenges that await me as I lead my tribe into the future.  I am not even afraid of this pain that threatens to consume me now as I caress the cold stones of your cairn.
         What I truly fear is being left to dream alone.  We shared our dreams for so long now that I don’t know how to dream on my own anymore.  I can learn to stand alone though I never wanted to.  Is there anyone who can teach me to dream alone or have I lost the skill forever the day that I lost you.  For a brief moment, my world stood still before it shattered into a million pieces when I saw that blade pierce your flesh.  No one had to tell me the wound was a mortal one; I was close enough to see that your soul no longer dwelled behind your eyes.
         Revenge was all that was left to me and I took it.  The gods help me but I took my vengeance, hacking the one that dared to slay my love into pieces long after life had fled its twisted shell.  It took five strong men to wrest my blade away and return me to some semblance of normalcy.
         I alone sang your dirge; I alone sent you to your rest.  I alone stand beside your cairn, unable to move away though not unable to think.  The thoughts that run through my head are futile and angry, tinged with unspeakable sorrow.
         I force myself to my feet and gaze down at your cairn one last time.  I know I will not return; I would not have the strength to leave again if I did.
         Rest well in the Halls, my love; I will follow in due time.  Perhaps between now and then, I can learn to dream alone.