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 Review #4758630 |
| Good morning, bonzolee, and I hope it finds you well. I'm finally here to do my review and there are a couple of things you should know. First, even though you aren't interested in formatting, I'm going to use my review template which includes it; I'll just gloss over it. Second, I'm returning your GPs as this review doesn't feel like it's worth paying for. With that established, let's get to it. There are two categories to the way I review a story; the Glitz, and the Substance. First, the Glitz: Presentation describes how your story looks on the page. Basically, is it pleasant to read? This is only a factor because WdC defaults to a small, cramped, generic font, then offers the tools to change the look. Unless your item is very short, leaving it as-is can give it a strong resemblance to the fine print in a used car contract. I see that you've gone back and double-spaced the paragraphs since the first time I saw this. You missed a couple, if that matters to you, but this is a vast improvement. Single-spaced as I originally saw it, this did look very much like a used car contract, and if I hadn't accepted GPs to do a review, I would have skipped on to the next item. Small, crowded print plus tired eyes can drive us older folks on to the next story. Mechanics is the one-word term I use to describe the "immersion factor." This is largely typos, too-vs-to issues and that sort of thing. I used to go line-by-line nitpicking every comma and semicolon until I realized that that isn't what's important. What you're doing as an author is weaving a spell designed to draw me in and engage me in a world of your creation. I want you to succeed; it's why I'm reading your story. But every time I encounter a gaffe so jarring that it yanks me out of my immersion, that's a failure on your part. This is the section where I address such issues; I include it in the "glitz" because it's, you know, typos, but maintaining your reader's immersion is every bit as important as the substance. I'm not going to touch any WdC issues by request, but I saw a couple that will show up on Word or wherever. First sentence; Claire fake laughed and stuck her middle finger up at the Marlin through the phone. This should just be Marlin unless she consistently calls him "the Marlin." Second sentence: He bit into a pale strawberry doughnut that looked like it had been sitting there for over months. Over two months? Six months? Or just months? Nitpicky? In the extreme, but readers notice everything, and if you yank them out of their immersion a couple of times, they start thinking that maybe you don't know what you're doing. Never a good thing. The other issue is scene dividers: * * * Nothing has to be that fancy; a single asterisk will do, but they are necessary. Take this passage for example: “Thank you.” Claire awoke with an aching neck, sprawled awkwardly in the waiting chair with her head tilted back into the wall. Claire thanks the cop for allowing her to sleep in the waiting room, then in the next sentence, she wakes up and it's a new day. A scene divider should go right there. Be on the lookout for places where the setting, viewpoint, time or anything else change abruptly and use a scene divider. If you just go straight from noon in the city to sunset on the beach, you risk giving your readers whiplash, and it's another chance for them to come out of the magic and try to work out what just happened. But those things, while as important as everything else, are mechanical issues, easily fixed with a good proofread. Now we move on to Substance. Story concerns the skill you bring to addressing the theme you set out to convey. Every story has been told before, most often by Shakespeare. What sets yours apart is the way you tell it. You must maximize consistency and continuity, and root out plot-holes by any means necessary. An outline certainly helps with this, but some writers can work well without them. The style and fluidity of your prose is a factor as well; your style is your style, and each writer has his own, but if you're writing to adults, you don't want that stilted "Fun with Dick and Jane" feel, for example. So, let's dive in and dissect your narrative. With the understanding that I'm only seeing Chapter One, we have a murder committed by a man with distinctive hair whose arms seem to turn into chainsaws. That sounds silly when you just write it down like this, but there is great potential here for a story that can go in any number of directions. The murder is witnessed by a flake who nobody seems to like or pay any attention to, and this can be a great story point as she becomes "the only one who can see the monster," a staple of good horror. The fact that she sees her brother in a place where the killer was a moment ago lends a great chill to the proceedings, and will tend to draw readers along as well. Characters are the beating heart, the engine that drives the narrative, and as such, in my opinion, are the most important part of your creation. This is why I treat them separately. Weak, lazy stereotypes drawn from central casting will ruin any story they're put in, Lord of the Rings, War and Peace, I don't care what the story is, they are the engine, and if they aren't up to the job, your story will lack power. Strong, dynamic characters will lift a mediocre story to a bit higher level than it would otherwise enjoy, but it doesn't work the other way around. So, let's examine your players. Your main character, Claire, comes across as a deadbeat who annoys (and worse) everyone who crosses her path. She begs friends and strangers for money and attempts to steal it when she's told no. She is not likable, which is one of the cornerstones of an engaging heroine, but lack of likability can make for a compelling anti-hero, and many good books and movies feature them. Heck, Paul Newman made a career out of them. Her family will make good foils going forward; they seem evil, but they're more likely reacting to her intransigence. And who is the blue-haired man who seems to turn up everywhere? You have a good thing set up here, but be aware, making an anti-hero work is a delicate balancing act, so be careful and read up on anti-heroes if you think it will help. And now it is time for me to pull all this together into a final rating. The story and characters are fine. There are some formatting issues which you asked me not to worry about, so I'll only pull a half-star to indicate that things aren't quite perfect and let it go at that. You've the makings of a fine story here, and I wish you much success with it. Don't forget to enjoy the journey as you work toward the goal. It's one very much worth taking! Bad decisions make great stories,  hammer48 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!"  .
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