Hello JT Baker , I came across this story in the newsfeed. From your profile it looks like you are in the early stages of posting your writing here on WDC. From this story it looks like you have gotten a good start, the flow of story is logical and keeps the reader engaged to see what is going to happen to your character Shawn.

This is a challenging story, because there is only one character, or is there? This makes the dialog, particulary difficult to write to keep the reader engaged. A few suggestions, if you are looking to improve your story.

A new paragraph should start when each character begins to speak, but here you have three voices of a sort. Besides the coach who quickly exits the story.

Shawn when he actually verbablizes aloud. Those should be in quotes. Shawn muttered, "Crap I'm late." Shawn shouted, "Please stop bothering me." For example

Next you have Shawns inner dialog, for your story this is where it is difficult because it kind of breaks into two parts. Typically inner dialog is not in quotes, but in Italics as a thought. So much for my Saturday night. Shawn sighed with exhaustion.

His alter ego, what you calling the voice for most of the story. Maybe you write it more like a character and avoid signaling to the reader exactly what's going on. Is it something in his head only or something other people can't hear?

For example, a rewrite of the first encounter with the voice for you consideration:

"Why do you do this to me?" Shawn muttered quietly.

The gravelly voice answered after a few moments of silence, "I did not choose this. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time."

Shawn looked around to make sure no one was watching. He knew that no one else could hear the voice or see what it was. He didn't want to look like a crazy person talking to himself. He answered, "I didn't say I blamed you."

Then you continue with a dialog between the voice and Shwan leavign the reader curious as to what is going on until it becomes more clear.

An idea any way.

A final observation on mechanics, scene changes. Mark them with
***
then start a new line

For example,

***

The next morning, Shawn woke up . . .


Keep writing, I hope you find some of my suggestions useful. Best regards.





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .