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Review #4757105
Viewing a review of:
 The Corpsebound Spellmasters  [18+]
Against a building sense of doom, can Voltaire keep his beloved safe from her old student?
by Joto-Kai
Review by Past Member 'hammer48'
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
         STANDARD DISCLAIMER: Having had my head torn off for offering an unsolicited review, it is now my policy to only review by request. Having accepted yours, I shall duly commence.

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         Good afternoon, Joto-Kai , and I hope it finds you well. I apologize for having to begin like that, but it seems the site has changed some since I was last here. There are two categories to the way I review a story; the Glitz, and the Substance. First, the Glitz:

         Presentation describes how your story looks on the page. Basically, is it pleasant to read? This is only a factor because WdC defaults to a small, cramped, generic font, then offers the tools to change the look. Unless your item is very short, leaving it as-is can give it a strong resemblance to the fine print in a used car contract.
         And this long story is trailing into used car contract territory. I recommend a larger font, though it certainly isn't a requirement. Tired old eyes tend to dance around on the small font. The other suggestion, though certainly not required, would be to center your scene dividers (***). They work as they are, but would look a little more pro and stand out more if they were centered. But no rules have been broken; these are just for your consideration.

         Mechanics is the one-word term I use to describe the "immersion factor." This is largely typos, too-vs-to issues and that sort of thing. I used to go line-by-line nitpicking every comma and semicolon until I realized that that isn't what's important. What you're doing as an author is weaving a spell designed to draw me in and engage me in a world of your creation. I want you to succeed; it's why I'm reading your story. But every time I encounter a gaffe so jarring that it yanks me out of my immersion, that's a failure on your part. This is the section where I address such issues; I include it in the "glitz" because it's, you know, typos, but maintaining your reader's immersion is every bit as important as the substance.
         There are a few little things I caught that you may want to touch up.
         1. "As an alumnus, Gian poses the same threat to the School's reputation than he poses to the people of Viseki town.” Tense issue here; Gian either poses more threat than, or the same threat that.
         2. Just as surely, on balance, the world is made better." This needs an opening quotation mark.
         3. She pulled the gate lever and allowed us to enter. Viewpoint issue. The whole story is told in third-person limited, but just for a second it becomes first person. A holdover, I'd guess, from trying that style first? Hard to catch a single two-letter word in a manuscript of this size, but we must strive.

         But those things, while as important as everything else, are mechanical issues, easily fixed with a good proofread. Now we move on to Substance.

         Story concerns the skill you bring to addressing the theme you set out to convey. Every story has been told before, most often by Shakespeare. What sets yours apart is the way you tell it. You must maximize consistency and continuity, and root out plot-holes by any means necessary. An outline certainly helps with this, but some writers can work well without them. The style and fluidity of your prose is a factor as well; your style is your style, and each writer has his own, but if you're writing to adults, you don't want that stilted "Fun with Dick and Jane" feel, for example. So, let's dive in and dissect your narrative.
         Love between two warriors. A well-respected theme, but I'll get to that in a moment. There is interesting banter between the mains, the sort of things you would expect them to be saying as they travel to a confrontation they don't feel they can win. The battle between the mages is an epic, and let me tell you something: I've read magical battles by the masters, Terry Brooks, R.A. Salvatore, and Brandon Sanderson to name just a few, and this holds up with the best of them. A lot of rookies and writers of limited imagination will just make this stuff a battle between fireballs and thunderbolts. The ones who are memorable put a lot more into it. I'm not quite ready to add you to the ranks of those masters yet, but this has a quite original feel. Good work.

         Characters are the beating heart, the engine that drives the narrative, and as such, in my opinion, are the most important part of your creation. This is why I treat them separately. Weak, lazy stereotypes drawn from central casting will ruin any story they're put in, Lord of the Rings, War and Peace, I don't care what the story is, they are the engine, and if they aren't up to the job, your story will lack power. Strong, dynamic characters will lift a mediocre story to a bit higher level than it would otherwise enjoy, but it doesn't work the other way around. So, let's examine your players.
         The mains, Voltaire and Elisha, have a relationship that goes beyond just, "we're the two musketeers and we'll have each other's back forever." These two have deep feelings for one another, feelings that transcend death itself. The villain, Gian, fills his role nicely, being a sinister presence off-stage for most of the story, then, when he does appear, being an overpowered monster that our heroes can scarcely hope to challenge. And, here's the point: Your heroes can only be as good as your villain is bad. If he's weaker, unthreatening, and easy to defeat, he becomes a "straw man," existing only for the hero to knock down. An early minion can fill this role to showcase the hero's prowess and show the reader what he has, but for the story to have true meaning, the villain must extract a price that the hero can barely stand to pay... As here. Great job on this!

         And now it is time for me to pull all this together into a final rating. It actually isn't going to be too hard. A few little niggles up the cosmetic area ruin its perfection, but not by much. I think 4½ is quite fair. I hope you do, too, and I hope you have great success with this story, whatever you ultimately do with it. It has quality, and should be shared.

Enjoy your journey,
*Hotair2* hammer48

*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 06/16/2024 @ 1:19am EDT
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