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 Review #4755343 |
 |  | The Mistress of Death  [13+] A peculiar woman visits a village with malevolent intent.  |
| (3.5)| Hello, Brom!  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   A Review from: "Positive Hearts Reviews Group"  This was a nice poem, seeming to be about a magical woman who has the power of killing someone when she kisses them. It was dark, but also had a fairytale type of feel to it. Your word choice was excellent and made the piece feel old-timey, using a strong and descriptive vocabulary.  I do have a couple suggestions...Is there a reason you don't have any lines grouped into stanzas? As it is right now, it is all one block of writing, although you seem to use a loose rhyme scheme. I would just suggest separating the poem into stanzas so it reads more fluently. The deceptive woman caught him by the arms Her appearance was irresistible but inwardly vile “Look into my eyes” she said with magic charm. In this section  of the poem, these lines, along with others, are a bit longer than the rest of the piece. While I realize this is freeform and doesn't stick to strict syllable counts, these lines are all over 10 syllables while most of poem is around 6-9 syllables. The line with "vile," in particular, is 15 syllables which was what threw the rhythm off the most for me. I would suggest trimming down these longer lines a couple syllables. They don't have to a be set amount, but they don't roll of my tongue well for some reason.Also, there should be a comma at the end of the quotation. As it collapsed like the pit of hell. This line confused me, as I've never heard of the pits of hell collapsing. While I like the attempt of imagery, I'm not sure what I should be visualizing. I simply imagined the man's body collapsing, but I wasn't sure what it meant to do so in a similar way to hell. This may be a lack of understanding on my part, so feel free to explain and correct me. Overall, I liked this piece and think it has great potential! Your imagery here is wonderful, I could picture this green-gazing sorceress travelling and looking for her next victim. Thanks for sharing!    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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