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Review #4742548
Viewing a review of:
 Hello There  [ASR]
A brief, in the moment, silly poem about experiencing insomnia.
by Elizabeth
Review of Hello There  
Review by Jayne
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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This is a "Game of Thrones"  review!


Hello, Elizabeth!

*Checkb*Overall Impression:
This humorously and candidly explores the experience of insomnia and the frustration of being unable to sleep.

*Checkb*Form, Rhythm, Cadence, and Style:
The poem is structured into four stanzas, each addressing a different hour of the early morning or aspect of the sleepless experience. It effectively conveys the passage of time and the speaker's growing frustration. The phrasing of "Well, hello there" consistently adds a dimension that everyone with insomnia can relate to in one way or another.

The use of the "well hello there" provides a sort of whimsical cadence that contrasts with the obvious frustration and discomfort of the non-sleeper. This juxtaposition is not only a great bit of comedy but also makes the piece very relatable. Although there's no strict meter here, the rhymes should still have a natural flow. As much as I like the concept and devices you've used, I don't feel the rhythm quite reaches proficiency.

First stanza, fourth line: it misses a beat. It may need a repeat of "why" (Why won't these ideas...)

Second stanza: the second line is too long to flow properly into the next. (Try "I like you, but we can't be friends"). The third and fourth lines don't quite mesh. Part of it is dropping the "and" in the last line, but the third line may still need another syllable.

Third stanza: Dropping "much" from the second line and "And" from the last line should tighten it up.

Fourth stanza: second line - try "I think I like you even less."

*Checkb*Grammar and Mechanics:


*Checkb*Final Thoughts:
In your description, you refer to it as a "silly poem," but I don't think you should sell yourself short. Using comedy to highlight a very real problem isn't silly at all. Humor helps us deal with difficult situations, and as someone with insomnia, I can verify that it qualifies as difficult!

Thank you for sharing your work with us!

Jayne *Smile*


My approach to reviews: "I'll Explain, but not Disclaim" 


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