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Review #4742436
Viewing a review of:
 Birdwatchers  [GC]
Two people are bird watching in a park.
by michael-s
Review of Birdwatchers  
Review by Jayne
Rated: GC | (2.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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This is a "Game of Thrones"  review!


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Hello, michael-s!

*Checkb*Title and Description:
I like the title, but the description could be much stronger. Think of your description like a book blurb--it's the key to enticing people to click on your story and read it. What you have now isn't incorrect, but it has nothing that will pique the reader's curiosity. Considering everything that happens in the small vignette, there are other options to spice it up by alluding to the fact that things go very wrong.

*Checkb*Content and Flow:
I'm not an expert on screenwriting, so I can't comment on the format or styling. I'm going to stick to discussing the content.

I'm not sure if it's because this is a snippet of a longer work or if it's an idea that hasn't been fully fleshed out, but I find the scene confusing. There's no context as to why the woman is so hostile or why her default assumption is that the man with binoculars is going to look at women through their windows. Given the intro, I suppose this could be racially motivated, but it's a bit of a leap.

I'm also perplexed by the reaction of the birds. Is it a satirical version of the Hitchcock film, or is this being played straight? It's true that a large group of anything can inflict damage if they set their minds to it. But it doesn't indicate she runs away or tries to fight them off. Even in New York, someone would likely try to help an elderly lady swarmed by chickadees. It's an interesting choice of bird, which is what led me to think this was satire.

*Checkb*Grammar and Mechanics:
Nothing jumped out at me.

*Checkb*Final Thoughts:
This partial screenplay contains some interesting elements that piqued my curiosity and left me wondering how it fits into the larger work.

Thank you for sharing your work with us!

Jayne *Smile*


My approach to reviews: "I'll Explain, but not Disclaim" 


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