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Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4741809
Review #4741809
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Temperature  [E]
A relatable story of a girl who just doesn't want to go to her American Football practice.
by Llothy54
Review of Temperature  
Review by buddhangela
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Greetings, Llothy54!
You're receiving this review from buddhangela in conjunction with "Game of Thrones.

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.


*BookOpen* Impressions/Suggestions

This is a cute comedic story about a little girl who doesn't want to go to American football practice, so she pretends she's sick, with a "temperature." I find this funny because Covid finally caught me last week, and I joked with my partner about how we always said, "I have a temperature" instead of, "fever" when we were kids.

The theme of the story is definitely relatable, as we've all done something similar to (if not exactly what) Molly does to try to get out of her practice. I like it that you broke from the expected "don't wanna go to school" because she didn't do her homework or is afraid to take a test and instead made her tired and unwanting to go to American football practice. There's a switch! I didn't realize girls in (I'm assuming the UK) could play American football. I'm a few years (*Wink*) out of school, but I think it's still a big deal when a female in the US is allowed to play football in high school or college!

One thing I wish you'd done is end the story with a big bang. These stories generally end with the child getting her way when the parent realizes how desperate they are to get out of doing what they're supposed to do. But it seems like you could have made a bigger splash at the conclusion. One idea would be by having the mother make a shocked exclamation over the temperature on the thermometer, then force the child to lay down on the sofa to tickle her and kiss her forehead and cheeks, and throw a blanket over her laughing. *Wink*

Three quick notes about formatting:

1. It's helpful to readers if you will put an extra return (blank line) between paragraphs. Breaking up the paragraphs, even when they are very short paragraphs, makes a big difference in improving your item's readability.

2. It is also a kindness to increase the font size to 3.5 or 4.0. The default is 3.0, which can be hard on older or tired eyes.

3. It's nice to include a word count at the bottom of your story. If you don't know your word count, after you save your item in your portfolio, just click on the gear icon that appears at the top right, then "Word Count" from the drop-down menu.


*BookOpen* Take-Away
This was a fun story to read and review! I love the mother/daughter duo and that you chose a non-traditional sport for the girl to be playing in. Thanks for sharing your writing with me and WDC. Keep Writing!


Cheers!

Angie

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