%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4714705 |
 | Oct. prep challenge day 4  [ASR] as stated above  |
| (3.5)| Hi Scifiwizard Retired. I'm reviewing OctoPrep's Assignment for Day 4 after you requested comments on the forum. As a fellow student of writing, I'll offer honest comments and suggestions with hopes you'll find something useful to you. This will a more unstructured review, just focusing on the story, since it's for the assignment: How does the story start?  Thoughts & Suggestions: Your story is intriguing! I do have a few questions and thoughts for you to consider as you prepare to write your novel.  The first is a question–how old is Jon when this interaction with his parents takes place? The text mentions that he's still a child, but his words and questions are very mature, and they speak to him like an adult. I don't know how much it matters at this point, but I am curious. The next thing I noticed is an odd mood swing within this scene. We know that Jon isn't supposed to go into the room with the blueprints, so it isn't a surprise when Jon's parents become angry when they find him there. It's a twist that they begin sniping at each other – Hans lays into Sarah with name-calling which at first confused me, because I thought maybe he was really referring to Jon because of his choice of words–and Sarah lashes into Hans about "procedures and processes" that he's caused. But then the mood abruptly changes when Jon asks what's going on. They seem no longer angry. They shrug and decide to tell him everything–after carefully guarding it from him his whole life. They also say from the beginning that they're asking him to take on a responsibility, which seems a sudden and total shift in thinking from, "You're not allowed to go into this room." Something else about them explaining everything to him, clearly and somewhat calmly, and answering his questions without hesitation, is that it's a lot for the child–and the reader–to take in all at once. It's an info-dump. I think giving some information to the reader (and Jon) via dialogue is a good way to get begin the story, but I suggest stretching out how and when the information is shared with Jon and the reader. Maybe you could think about Hans and Sarah, about their prior life experiences, and then think about what they'd tell Jon in that moment. Have talked together about what they'd do if/when Jon discovered the blueprints? (Because kids go where they're not supposed to, he was bound to find them eventually–smart kids are especially curious.) Would they tell him everything, because it's time for him to know the whole truth? Or would they think, well, he's asking about the blueprints. Let's tell him a little bit about the blueprints. Maybe in a few days he's looking at the blueprints or thinking their plan through, and it makes him question time or he asks how long they've been working on their plan and that brings up the immortality thing. Again, how much do they decide to tell him now? How much does he figure out on his own? He might discover the answers to some of his questions himself, which creates conflict or tension between him and his parents. You also want to string your reader along, not just Jon.  There's a lot you can do with this!These are just some ideas and thoughts I've had about this little portion of your story–without knowing where you're going with it, without knowing the timeline or the conflicts you have planned. So take all my silly brainstorming with a heaping teaspoon of salt and do with it what you will. I'm looking forward to seeing this story as it develops this month and then through NaNo! Thanks for the opportunity to review your story. Good luck with the October Prep Writing Challenge and NaNoWriMo! Write on!   
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 10/04/2023 @ 4:06pm EDT