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Review #4712535
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The Farmer's Filthy Farmhouse  [18+]
Two farmhands tentatively go inside the farmhouse of a farmer who is now gone.
by Schnujo's in Alabama
Review by K Renée
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hello.
I'm here to offer my thoughts and opinions on your story.
Before we begin: Any rewrites I make are done in my style and are examples only. All my comments are suggestions; toss them out without a second thought if you disagree. *Wink*


So, I chose your story because the title and description reminded me of a play I read long ago in my Writing About Lit. class, Trifles by Susan Glaspell. The image of a dead canary and shattered jar of frozen preserves still sticks with me. Now, on to "The Farmer's Filthy Farmhouse."

What I liked:

The title and brief description really grabbed me and triggered my memory of Glaspell's one-act. I really like the alliteration of the title; it called to me as I scrolled through your short story folder.

Beginning the story with exposition through dialogue was a great way to set the scene and offer the reader a problem.

Small particles of dust swirled in the air, disturbed and illuminated by the open front door.--*Thumbsup* The whole paragraph does a wonderful job of describing the dim living room.

"Sh!--*Laugh* Thank you so much for not adding an exorbitant amount of 'h's.

"If he comes back, I'm outta here. Screw you, Cleat. If I see that farmer, you are on...your...own!"
[...]
"We're gonna bury him so no one can find him."--It took me a moment, and then... *Shock2* So good. I went back to re-read Billy Joe's words and laughed because, now that I was certain the farmer was dead, it gave his statement a whole new meaning. Really well done, there!

Overall, an interesting tale. I honestly was not expecting the two farmhands to adopt the dead farmer's house.

I really enjoyed the interaction and dialogue between Cleat and Billy Joe. The dialogue showed the differences in their characters well. Honestly, the dialogue was the driving force of this piece. It revealed a lot of information in a very natural way.

The descriptions of the house: the dust, the beige and brown, the green apples and welcoming fridge, the singing floor boards. Loved it all.


Spelling/Grammar:

"It tastes a bit like sometimes when mom used to try to make dinner--Mom (capital M)

He patted the brown plaid couch back, he said quietly, so as not to disturb any occupants,--I suggest beginning a new sentence after "couch back."

We didn't," returns Cleat's whisper.--returned/I suggest changing "Cleat's whisper" to just "Cleat."

"Beige and brown are definitely their color scheme" he says as he scuffed--Missing a comma after "scheme," and "says" should be "said."

"Bout what?"--Bout and 'bout are two different words. You want 'bout with an apostrophe here.


What I think needs improvement:

I'd like to see a little description of Cleat and Billy Joe sprinkled throughout the action and narration.

"But they should totally keep that dog on the mantle."
         "Yeah, that's cool. Weird, but cool...kinda like you, Cleat. I wonder if it's a pet or like a coyote or something." The wide mantle held a medium-sized beige canine frozen in mid-run.--I suggest mentioning at some point in this section that the dog is a taxidermy statue. It kind of shocked me when Cleat felt fur because until then I thought it was a figurine or carving.

"Hello?" Pause. "Is anyone here?" Pause. "We didn't kill Farmer Pete, honest!"--This honestly depends on the feel you're going for in this story. At this point in my reading, I like the unsettling atmosphere you've created that contrasts well with the casual, almost flippant dialogue. The "pause" would fit better if it was said (not that I think Cleat or Billy Joe should say "He pauses."), but it doesn't quite fit the narration. My suggestion is to replace one of the "pause"s with something like: He waited a moment for a response. You might even take the time to add another description of the farmhouse as his voice echoes or doesn't echo through lonely/cluttered rooms.

Billy Joe admonished with a sharp look and a harsh whisper.--You don't need "admonished" since you show that to the reader with "a sharp look and a harsh whisper." This doesn't need to be a dialogue tag.

Billy Joe's mom always kept a better house than Cleat's and the cleaning styles seemed to have rubbed off on each boy respectively.--A little too much telling, and this feels like unnecessary information. The dialogue is enough to convey that Cleat is a bit of a slob and Billy Joe probably isn't.

Hmm... I don't know if I was disappointed in the ending or if it's just because it was unexpected. Maybe I was hoping for some revelation like Glaspell's play that makes the reader question what they were told in the very beginning. I did question whether Farmer Pete was dead for a moment, which led to a laugh. But I wonder if maybe something could happen or a revelation about the two farmhands (other than one's untidiness) or Farmer Pete could be added. Yes, the farmer was murdered--that was a revelation of sorts, but I kind of wonder how and who and when. And I do realize this story isn't about the farmer's murder but the adoption of his house.

If you do want to make it just about the house, you might add even more descriptions and quirks.


In closing:

Billy Joe considered this a good omen.--If I were in Billy Joe's shoes, I wouldn't take the Bible as a good omen but rather a means of guilting me out of the house. I like that he saw it differently.

A quirky tale you have here that kept me entertained. I might wish for more, but there's honestly nothing wrong with leaving it as is.

At first I thought Home/Garden was an odd genre for a short story, but it really does fit.



Please keep in mind that I am only one opinion.
Take or leave what you like.

keep writing,
-K

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