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 Review #4711976 |
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| This is a Super Power Group member to member review. Dear Shaye  ,I found this poem highlighted on your front internet page and noticed it was shape poetry, something I've dabbled in. I found it an easy read and thought it might have been written for contest. I later noticed that it relies on a syllable count and form. What I liked: You combined two forms to create one poem, and this must have taken some effort, holding true to each discipline. What I noticed: Alliteration. The Sss of it all is noted and adds luster to the poem with it's sound. When touching a reader, the senses can work outside our head as well as inside, when the visual meets the auditory department. Good job. I typically don't review this way, leaving short notes. I like to speak more to the emotiveness of a piece and what I feel lies behind it's meaning. With it getting late, I must apologize with the truncated review and hope the bullet points below suffice as input. Mostly, just reactions, and not necessarily suggestions for corrections, even thought that's what the actuarial department wants to see.  Bit of an inside joke.What you could improve: I usually don't offer direct evidence of what could be repaired in a creation, unless and author remarks that it's raw, unfinished or needs direction. What I will say is somethings you could concentrate on in future writing that can make your prose more active and brilliant as a star. 1 Active imagery versus the faux gloss It's your poem, but words like shining tell. When you get to sparkle you have something. Sometimes, I use an thesaurus to find something really special and expressive when putting together something thematic. Might be worth a spin. 2 Direct telling instead of showing A reader will connect more to your poem if theyt get the feels (borrowed that from the kids). To move a reader takes emotive words or expressions, hopefully unique that are fresh to wondering eyes. 3 The ing of it all It's possible the form produces the many 'ing's seen in this poem, but muddles a good people that applies brevity to each perfect word neatly selected and slotted. It can be a tedious task, forms, especially with shape. Actually, this must have been great effort to produce. It's not a bad idea to mix two forms like this, challenging the writer to work harder at crafting a piece. Like how pressure produces a diamond, something else sparkly. This was a great opportunity to view another member's work and lend feedback. It was a pleasure to discover your shaped artwork, Brian Super Power Reviewer   Another Disclaimer of me: legally blind and whoops my bad if typos and other odd sentences pop up. Sort of have a handle on the language, just not my computer.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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