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 Review #4711968 |
 |  | The Tendrils of Life  [13+] Free Verse: Portraying the miseries of people and their struggles.  |
| (4.0)| This is a SUPER Power Reviewer member to member reviewā¦ Dear GERVICš Itās a pleasure to receive your poetic offering in the "Wheelbarrow Poetry Group (Be A Member)" contest. Iām looking forward to reading and hopefully provide feedback that can be of any assistance with my insight.āThe Tendrils of Lifeā is a great title. I wanted to see more visual evidence of it. Impressed by these linesā¦ Their stares were trenchant darts Piercing every piece of Him Him, God? Some of this seemed personal to the poet, unless telling someone elseās story, like a religious testament, but did not allow the privilege of knowing the full story when you writeā¦ This land I found my first breath Fourteen years ago This land, where? An expression of feeling within? A metaphor? Though Iāve moved past this in my personal life, these lines resonate to which I especially relate: They wanted me not, They wanted my absence To get lost and vanish in oblivionā¦ Here I am- lost, alone, frightened Everyone hated me, they wanted me... dead That ending is quite ominous and eye-opening. Interesting place to stop. That stabs a reader emotionally to provoke thought. I did enjoy the read and subject matter, something which I can relate. Suggestionsā¦ At end of first stanza I think singular āsoulā is what you mean. I wanted to know more what the tendrils are, what it represents. When you use general pronouns like āthemā, you have an opportunity to boost the language with symbolic, descriptive emotional adjectives or nouns that abstractly apply. The opening words could say more to clue a reader in with more depiction in expressions to set scene: The world beneath this forlorn sky Battered painfully by their ceaseless cries I wasnāt sure who the villain was. But, read it as an internal struggle against outside forces. The poem reads like a vent/rant/doom, yet from a survivor POV, as if story only begun. I sometimes let my iPad leave a cap letter at the start of each line. A poem as an easy read can get away without punctuation, especially if there is a natural pause at the end of every line. When I polish a piece, I reread to see if I should lower some caps to indicate the continuation of a thought and/or function to produce a smooth read. You employ what some called ten dollar words. I enjoyed learning something new. What puzzles me is it archaic language mixed with modern episodes in life?Colorful words like this could confuse a reader. Sometimes, I can put a word like ātrenchantā in context aided by metaphor, imagery, scene and/or emotion to make the reader feel they understand its application. You taught me something new, however. Push yourself to find colorful words that show more than tell. You can use an online thesaurus, have a fun hunt-clicking words that catch your eye, to make word choices with logical associations. The byproduct of this process is your vocab will increase. Youāll find more joy in the themes chosen. Added note on that: I have found words with so many diverse associated words, I could pluck out thematic nouns, verbs, adjectives to make a cohesive, singular metaphor to string together into good poems. What I would say about your poem overall is it has a strong, emotional narrative, unique language and something of an uphill battle for recognition and possible redemption. On the flip side, I could only apply emotive elements to the message with visual or metaphoric evidence among other poetic devices for needed overall clarity. I liked the strength and vigor of this write. It was a pleasure to lend feedback to your poem, Brian Super Power Reviewer   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/21/2023 @ 6:52pm EDT