*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4709562
Review #4709562
Viewing a review of:
 Shard  [13+]
Flash fiction piece about an intense moment against terrifying odds.
by Eight-7
Review of Shard  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
This is a story that shows considerable promise in the writing. You have built tension very capably, supplying slivers of terror in vivid details that make the protagonist's terror very real to the reader. The tension builds steadily throughout the piece as we learn what is happening gradually by the addition of information as and when it's needed, rather than in a paragraph or two at the beginning. When the tension explodes into action as the daughter tries to escape, you succeed in carrying the reader with you in her mad dash for freedom.

A major problem is that the story has no end - it just stops, leaving the reader hanging. You need to bring it a definite close by her getting away or failing at the last. It's not really enough to let the reader assume that driving her foot into the man's chin is sufficient to put him out of action. Let us at least see him laid out cold on the ground and, perhaps, the mother and father hurrying to their daughter's aid.

There are a few things you could do to increase the effect of the language used. You say the men are "planning" - it would be that much more sinister if they were "plotting."Later, you write that "His strides sounded like the hooves of a charging bull just inches behind her." This strikes me as being slightly over the top. How many readers are likely to know what a charging bull sounds like? I don't and I suspect very few do. Try to keep the similes and adjectives within the bounds of reason - overstating risks introducing disbelief into the reader's mind.

It's an excellent description of how a young girl would feel in the event, however. Give it a clearer ending and it will earn that final star, I'm sure. Great title, by the way.

Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Small photo
Beholden


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/01/2023 @ 5:39pm EDT
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4709562