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 Review #4679831 |
 | That Chair There  [E] A child doesn't listen and pays the consequence.  |
| (5.0)| Thank you so much for finding me a worthy reviewer of your work! :) Here are my thoughts, stanza by stanza: Today I messed up, messed my mother’s fine chair. I spilled all my paint, spilled it all without care And now I’m so sad because I think I may Have ruined that chair where she sits every day. As I read it, it looks like it’s iambic tetrameter with an aabb rhyme scheme. It reads as a children’s poem, which matches the genre. After the first line, I was thinking about suggesting a different word for the second “messed”, but after seeing a parallel structure in the second line, I decided that I like the repetition. It gives a Dr. Seuss sort of flair to the opening, further reinforced by the rhyme/meter scheme. I notice that you’re capitalizing the first letter of each line. It’s more typical either to ditch punctuation/capitalization altogether or write it with normal prose grammar. Personally, I’m fine with capitalizing the first line every time (it’s what Google docs does by default), but I’ve received feedback from others on the site that that’s less desirable than normal punctuation. Ultimately, I’ll leave it up to you, just letting you know what other users have told me in reviews where I’ve done the same. I’ve taken to using normal grammatical rules in poetry, even though it means that I have to overrule the software sometimes. :) So we went to a store that they call Man Made Chairs, They had big chairs and small chairs and chairs that have hairs The biggest big place that I ever had seen. Chairs in all colors: red, blue, white and green. Maybe use “large” in place of “big” in line 2 of this stanza. The repetition of biggest and big really works in line 3, but it feels like having a “big” in line 2 is a little much. Large is still one syllable, doesn’t interrupt any alliteration scheme, and still gives the contrast of large and small that you’re going for there. I like how you have some rhyming words within the lines. Makes it fun to say. It looks to me like there should be a comma at the end of line 2. We stood and we looked, just my mother and me “That chair over there, that big chair that I see.” She sat and she said, “Let me think while I sit . . . No, this is too big, it just will not fit.” Again, you have similar sounding words in line 1 (stood/looked), which makes it fun to say and great for a children’s poem. Line 3 has some nice alliteration with the sibilance (s sounds) as well. Maybe italicize “too” in line 4 to add emphasis and draw attention away from the repetition of “big”. I like “big” better than “large” here, though, because it has a similar sound to “fit”. Also, missing a period at the end of line 1. And then to another fine chair that she spied, “That chair over there, that one that’s so wide.” She sat and she said, “Let me think while I sit . . . No, this is too hard, too hard, just not it.” Seems like it would be better to have a question mark at the end of line 2, maybe? Just seems like the poem’s speaker is asking a question there, and it will give some variety to the poem’s reading, with an answer/resolution over the next two lines of the stanza. I like that line 4 recalls the structure of the opening two lines of the poem. “Too many chairs around here, don’t you see?” This game was now boring, so boring to me. I know, I’ll go find the right chair, just her size I’ll go find the right chair, it will be a surprise! I think that the first comma in line 3 should be removed. The repetition of “I’ll go find the right chair” in lines 3 and 4 again echoes the phrase repetition seen earlier and continues that Dr. Seuss style. Love it! Should probably add a period at the end of line 3. :) I searched and I searched, I searched a long time And then I came up to a big, fat, red line. “Don’t cross that red line that you see over there, Or else you will be turned into just the right chair.” This is a twist! It adds a sort of supernatural element to the poem at the same time that it throws a potential storytelling plot conflict into the mix. I looked all around but I still could not see Whoever it was who was warning me. A girl, a big girl, a girl who’s called Mel Appeared out of nowhere, nowhere I could tell. It feels like there’s missing beat between “warning” and “me” in line 2. Maybe add a “just” between them? In line 3, triple use of “girl” seems a bit much. It doesn’t sync with the pair repetition threaded through the earlier parts of the poem. Maybe “And then a big girl, a girl who’s called Mel” instead, swapping “And then” for the first “A girl”? Just a thought, anyway. I laughed, “I will not, I will not be a chair.” “Oh yes, yes you will, and I know it’s not fair, But I don’t make rules, I don’t make them, you hear?” And then, just like that, I saw her disappear. Great use of the repetition and rhyme here. Love everything about this stanza. I looked at the line, but I still could not see How I’d be a chair, not a chair, no not me. “I will cross that red line and I still will be free I’ll step right across, now in 1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . Missing commas between “line” and “and” as well as after “free” in line 3. You could use a period at the end of line 3 too. Both lines 3 and 4 could be complete sentences. And so, then I jumped, and I jumped with no fear Until I could feel it, “It’s quite warm in here.” I looked at my hands and then looked at my feet I no longer could move, and no longer could speak. The plot thickens. Great way to build suspense here. Love it! Will she be able to get free? (Looks like there should be a period or comma at the end of line 3.) Then I saw my mom, saw her look right at me “That chair over there,” she said, “Please let me see.” She sat and she said, “Let me think while I sit . . . “So comfy this chair, I believe this is it!” Oh no! Now, I see where this little story poem is headed. What a wonderful little twist! :) (Missing comma between “sat” and “and” in line 3.) I wish I’d have listened, had listened to Mel If I would have listened, I’d still be all well. Yes, I should have listened, not been so head-strong I thought she was lying, I guess I was wrong. Woe is the speaker! This little moment of self reflection gives it a sort of fairy tale framing, perfect for a children’s poem. I don’t think that you need a hyphen in headstrong. At least Google docs recognizes it as a legit word. Grammar-wise, I think that periods are needed at the end of line 1 and line 3. I replaced the old chair that my mom used to have I make her so happy, but now I feel bad. Not that it’s more fun to live life as a kid, But because I should not, not have done what I did. And that now-familiar repetition style closes out the poem just as it opened it. Lines 1 and 2 are the first time that we see a near-rhyme as opposed to a full rhyme, but I think it works. I can’t think of a better way to phrase it than you have here, and the sounds are absolutely similar. It’s a perfect close to this little story. For grammar, I think that a comma or period after line 1 would be in order. All in all, I’m incredibly impressed. You clearly put a lot of time and effort into this, and it really shows. It’s a beautiful piece of work, symmetrical and beautifully phrased. Extremely well done. I really love it. :)  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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