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![]() | The Blackout Butcher ![]() When a small coastal town loses power, a serial killer stalks the streets. ![]() |
![]() ![]() ![]() Good day to you, MysteryBox ![]() For the record, I am an occasional hobbyist writer of fantasy, horror, and steampunk (hence my handle) who tries to review in a wide variety of styles and genres. I should explain that I use this review template in which I discuss my views on the important areas of quality storytelling, then compare your work to my own beliefs on the matter. As I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered. Let me just drop a warning here, and we'll get started. THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD PRESENTATION: This aspect deals with the first impression your story makes when a reader clicks on the title. Call it the cosmetics. I'll be looking at abstract items from text density to scene dividers in an effort to ferret out any unfortunate habits that might cause a reader to move on without actually reading anything; before you can dazzle him with your show, you have to get him into the tent! ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() STORY: But those are things that can be fixed with a few mouse clicks. Now we come to the heart of the issue. This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. I try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination. The fact that I'm here writing a review is proof that you've done a pretty good job with the story. Let's examine the individual parts of the whole and see what works to make it successful. ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() But you probably want to know the source of the half-star deduction. I could be mistaken on this – I've never work for a phone or power company – but you make it clear that "The phone service - never reliable in such a small, out-of-the-way town where the nearest cell tower was nearly fifty miles away - had gone out with the lights." But then only a few paragraphs later, Joe Higgins, the lineman, is killed by being "...thrown into the active powerlines." This-here's what you call a Plot Hole: The power is either on or off. You can't have it come on for a moment to kill one character, then it's off again. That's a bit too deus ex machina for the modern audience. The ancient Greeks loved that stuff; not so much today's readers. That said, this is a wonderful story, and I question whether the disclaimer is needed. The violence is described in the past tense, and without a whole lot of detail. Probably better safe than sorry, but you don't describe the attacks in excruciating detail as they're happening, and I don't think it will offend anyone who signs up for a horror/crime experience. MECHANICS: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: "I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that. ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() First is this simple phrase: No one from around here would do a thing like that? Wouldn’t they? I read this as a tense error, and believe it should say Would they? There are a couple of places where you've used hyphens to represent em-dashes (—). One is found early, in the example I gave above, in fact, and the other is toward the end where Suzy says, “Oh, I don’t really have any-". Readers and professional editors alike recognize the double-hyphen as an em-dash due to the fact that there is no such character on a standard keyboard, but you can place one on WdC by typing {emdash} wherever you want one. Some of these things I'm bringing up seem, and in some cases, are of marginal importance, but I want to share this notion with you: You are a young writer just beginning your journey, and if this story is any indication, you are really very good. I would recommend that you invest every effort in looking as professional as you can, and this means indented paragraphs, proper em-dashes, and above all, watch those plot holes! The old saying is, "You never get a second chance to make a first impression." My take is, if you want to be regarded as a professional, act like one. I've done over 600 reviews on WdC, and this is one of the best stories I've ever read, certainly in the top-ten. Your work deserves to be polished to a high luster. Don't short-change yourself! CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will ruin any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care? ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal, then. So how did you do? ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() SUMMARY: ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ** Image ID #2234711 Unavailable ** When you get a moment, consider this your invitation to join the discussion at
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