%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4601559 |
 | Old Mirror (Completed)  [ASR] The girl receives an heirloom mirror and her life changes forever.  |
| (3.5)  Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Good morning, J. Legacy , and I hope it finds you well. In the immortal words of Jim Bishop, "A good writer is not per se, a good book critic any more than a good drunk is automatically a good bartender," but bear with me; I'm going to take a shot anyway (see what I did there?)  .For the record, my real name is Jack Tyler, and I am a retired mystery, steampunk, and horror writer who tries to review in a wide variety of styles and genres. While I have a few books in print, I am neither a famous author nor a renowned critic. I'm just a guy with an opinion that I'm here to share, and if you disagree with anything I say here, remember that the only opinion that matters is yours. As I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered. Let me just drop a warning here, and we'll get started. THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD PRESENTATION: This aspect deals with the first impression your story makes when a reader clicks on the title. Call it the cosmetics. I'll be looking at abstract items from text density to scene dividers in an effort to ferret out any unfortunate habits that might cause a reader to move on without actually reading anything; before you can dazzle him with your show, you have to get him into the tent!   There is only one aspect here that is an outright error: For some time after your scene break, all your paragraphs are jammed together, neither indented nor double-spaced, and a complete lack of paragraphs makes any work of fiction almost impossible to read. Personally, I prefer indented paragraphs, though double-spacing is thoroughly accepted here on WdC. But whichever form you use, one or the other must be present.The rest of my comments here involve things that you've done correctly, but I bring suggestions to make your stories more visually attractive. First, you've used a scene divider (*****) correctly, but it would look more polished if it were centered. Also, did you know that WdC offers over a thousand Emoticons, accessible through the Writing.Com Tools tab in the left sidebar, that can be centered to give your text some graphic "pop?" For example, {center}{e:cat}{/center} yields:  You've used the default font, which I'm told is Arial. I only half-jokingly call it Times New Eyestrain, as I often have to stack two pairs of reading glasses to make it hold still. There are many ways to alter the text, as you'll discover as you explore the site (for example, this review is in 3.5 Verdana with a 1.4 line-spacing), but you can improve this tremendously by simply placing {size:3.5} at the beginning of your text. STORY: But those are things that can be fixed with a few mouse clicks. Now we come to the heart of the issue. This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. I will try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination. Let's examine the individual parts of the whole and see what works to make it successful. What we have here is a fine piece of Portal Fiction with a Chosen One character. Don't worry because I was able to put a label on it; pretty much everything has been done before. The main distinction is what you've done with it, and this is quite creditable. Your Chosen One has an imperfect guide, and begins her journey at an age when she feels like she's in over her head. Most female characters with powers are actually depicted to have begun at the onset of menstruation, literally the moment that her body declares its femaleness. A sometimes twist, which doesn't figure in here, is that she can often lose her powers at the same time she loses her virginity. Those things would be more applicable to a longer story, or even a novel, but I pass them along for you to consider should you find this sort of story to be your calling.The cat-familiar is time-honored, but handled well. I especially liked your subtle lampshading when the cat teleports in from the mirror, and when questioned, says, "Isn't that what magical things do?" Excellent job on story and plot. MECHANICS: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period, and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that. Here we hit multiple snags, and I would like to point out a couple of things before I get into them: First, this is my 524th review, and I can assure you that even seasoned writers run into trouble here. I suspect that in the excitement of getting something up for others to read, proofreading gets overlooked. Second, you state in your bio that you're a new writer, so don't take these things as criticism, but as guidance. I've been doing this for six decades and have learned a few lessons. I'll reiterate here that I'm no expert on the language, but if I can tell you anything that will help you, that's my mission.Okay, I've already talked about the improperly spaced paragraphs, and I'm not hitting that again, but it falls under this section, so I mention it. I see that you have a lot of difficulty with quotation marks; this sentence will serve as an example: “You’re not alone, I tell her, and that’s when I finally hear it. The voices are back.” The way this is punctuated, Sarah says all of this to Alison, which makes no sense at all. I would place move the end quotation and add a semicolon, thus: “You’re not alone," I tell her, and that’s when I finally hear it; the voices are back. These two sentences of dialogue appear together as copied and pasted here: “A talking cat? Came out of the mirror? What is going on?” “Okay, Alley? How does a cat talk?” These are obviously both statements from Sarah. If she speaks them all aloud, they should all be on one line between one set of quotation marks. If, as I suspect, she is thinking the first line, then that should be in italics without quotation marks to alert the reader that it is internal dialogue. You seem to use a lot of italics throughout, and it looks like you're using that to denote that she's in her dream state. I've been known to do that myself, so I can't fault it, but you need to be very aware of what you've decided to use them for, and proofread carefully to ensure that there aren't any mistakes with them, because they can mislead a reader pretty badly if they aren't perfect in their execution. Rather than bang on about these admittedly small issues, when taken individually, I'm going to make a suggestion that will help you for the rest of the time you spend writing: Get yourself a style guide. This is a small book that covers things like where the commas go, how to use italics, when to capitalize, and all those tiny issues that go into quality writing. The one I use is The Elements of Style by Strunk & White, available on Amazon for about $5.00. It's laid out like a textbook, and I'd recommend that you get one, browse through it, taking note of anything that catches your eye, maybe a misconception you've had, or a technique you've been thinking of using. Then once you have a feel for what's in it, refer to it any time you have a question; mine is never out of reach of my keyboard. CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will ruin any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care? I toyed with dropping half a star here because your protagonist, Sarah, seems to lack a certain dynamism for a heroine. The protagonist must have four qualities: She must be likeable, which Sarah certainly is. She must be virtuous, which prevents her from being a villain or an anti-hero, and again, Sarah fills the bill. She must be courageous. She's a bit tentative, which is okay for a young teenager, and she must be competent in the actions that she takes. Here again, she's tentative, and yet she still feels right as she's constructed. All these things go hand in hand with her youth and inexperience, and leave her feeling a bit tepid, but she should be. This will be much better if this is the opening to a longer story where she has a chance to grow and reach her full potential, but in a short story, a character generally needs a little more "juice" to be that stellar character, but Sarah works. Well done.SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal, then. So how did you do? Sarah's world is well-constructed and easily to visualize, and it fills the needs of its fantasy well. There's that moment of thrill when she slips through the mirror, wondering what she'll find when she transitions. Very enjoyable indeed.SUMMARY: I hope that I have presented my opinions in a way that is constructive, and that you will find helpful to your endeavors going forward. It is never my intention to belittle anyone's efforts or discourage them from following the dream that I have found so fulfilling for the last six decades. In any case, if I can leave you with one thought to take with you, let it be this: Don't forget to have the fun! So many young and/or beginning writers get so caught up in the daily word count, the quest for publication, and the often conflicting advice of other writers that they forget to enjoy the journey. You may or may not become the next Big Celebrity Author, but you will always have the experience. Make sure it's a good one!** Image ID #2234711 Unavailable ** As a member with some experience here, allow me to offer you some links you may find helpful. First and foremost has to be
Second is
The third place I'm going to recommend is, of course, my blog,
Finally, I don't operate a group, but I'm a member of a good one, and I recommend a visit soon.
Looking forward to seeing you around the site!  Jack "Blimprider" Tyler My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
||||||||||||||||||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You have not yet responded to this review.