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Review #4150956
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Review of Memory's dance  
Review by Noyoki
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hello Dance-Monkey ~ We've got this ,

*Music1*My Thoughts:

This is the start of what could be an interesting novel. I would like to know more about the main character. Since they're only referred to as 'I' I'm not sure if they're male or female. The story shows us it's a child, one who doesn't have a great relationship with their parents, but that's about all. Still, it has potential, and it was a good read. Thank you for sharing!

*Music2* My Favorite Part:

         *BurstB* The way you have the narrator describe working with the vinyl was well done. You have enough detail to make it interesting, but don't bog it down with stuff that might be true to the task but would bore the reader.

         *BurstB* The cliff hanger at the end is a good hook. It'll make the readers want to continue onto the next chapter to see who she is and what happened to her.

         *BurstB* You were able to tell us a lot about the father's various jobs in just a few lines, instead of wasting too much time on it.

*Music1*My Suggestions:

         *BurstG* In the first line, change had seen to saw.

         *BurstG* In the second line change had been to was and 'was standing' to stood.

         *BurstG* I have to admit, the first part of this story is seriously confusing. At first, I thought Horatio the Crab was a nickname. Like a mob boss - Jimmy the Tulip or something. Then you revealed that he was a real crab, who could talk and hold umbrellas and whatnot. I think, anyway. I'm not sure. That made me wonder about what sort of world this is, and what the actual characters might be. Are they also other animals? If not, why is there a random talking crab at the beginning of the story? Does Horatio matter, or ever show up again? It sort of feels like the top half is some sort of Alice in Wonderland moment followed by a normal - non-talking-crab sort of story. Maybe explain the crab situation more, or cut that whole part.

*Music2* Final Thoughts:

This piece needs a little more clarity on who the major players are. I like the pace, it flowed well and there weren't any large info dumps. Thank you for all your hard work and for sharing with us.

This review is being done for the first day of "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" 

Thank you,

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Write On!!


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by Maryann
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/03/2015 @ 5:41am EDT
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4150956