Hi! I'm judging "Invalid Item"  for Round 69 and thought I should give everyone some feedback on their monotetras!


Favorite Aspects

I love the message. The last stanza is snarky and sarcastic, which works well for a topical poem. It's sort of a sad joke. I think that the last line is probably the best in the entire piece.

Language / Word Choice

"In a moment he blows out their lights" is a phrase that seems pretty light for what is really going on. It's irreverent at a time when I think that serious would serve you better. Children just got murdered... phrases like "blow them away" and "snuff their lights out (which I believe is where you were going with this) are just not strong enough to carry the real impact of such a thing. The irreverence in the last stanza will be more effective if the second stanza is a bit more grave.

Technical / Grammar / Syntax

I knew immediately that the form isn't quite perfect here. A monotetra is called 'tetra' because it is supposed to be written in tetrameter. Starting with a soft syllables, you set it up for iambic, which falls apart in the first line. I was confused briefly, but by the third line, I knew that this piece was not written in meter at all.

I thought it was a shame that you ended with such weak rhymes. We/me/see/be/free/tree/apology/apostrophe... easiest rhyme in the English language. We/see/sea/free is very dull compared to sighs/hides/cries/dies and bright/delight/lights/spite. Even keeping the rhyme to end the piece with 'free', there are far more interesting word choices than we/see/sea.

The pattern in the first stanza (4 syllables-break-4 syllables. / 4 syllables-break-4 syllables) does not continue throughout. With a pattern that obvious, I'd say either continue it or change it in the intro.

Effect

I think this is a good draft, but it could be improved with some revision. As for the contest, you did pretty well with the form and the picture, though the absence of tetrameter was too bad. Good luck!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .