Hi, sdodger,

Today I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  as part of the contest

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I Write in December-January-February  (E) Write and review once a week for the three coldest months of the year. #1906302 by Annette

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Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your story. Whatever another person says (especially me) whether positive or negative, is just their opinion. You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

General impressions:

This was an enjoyable piece.

The story flows smoothly and it moves along at a nice pace. I liked how you have kept the language and the dialogue in simple terms. In these kinds of stories it can be so tempting to throw in a load of unnecessary technobabble.

Jason Dodge is brilliant. He is a space adventurer who reminds me so much of Captain Lonestar from Spaceballs . He is so blasé about everything that he even plays golf in the nude!

Favourite quotes:



This gave me a chuckle. Although Star Trek tried, there were always issues with star dates. They were supposed to run sequentially, but often didn't. The episodes weren't always shown in the order they were filmed or scripted leading to inconsistencies.



What a way to end the story! This leaves the ending so open to the reader's own imagination. I love this.

Line by line suggestions: These are included in the dropnote below. Your original work is in black, specific suggestions are in indigo, and additional notes/explanations for the change are in orange.

Line by line suggestions ▼

worm holes
wormholes
One word not two

old fashioned bar stool
old-fashioned bar stool
This is a phrasal adjective and so needs to be hyphenated. A phrasal adjective is two or more words that describe something. These are usually hyphenated with the only real exception being if one of the words is an "ly" adverb (e.g.: "newly formed" is a phrasal adjective that does not need to be hyphenated for this reason)

damn planet?”
damn planet?
You have an unnecessary close speech marks here

they have your physic
they have your physique
I think this is the word you mean

hyper-ventilating
hyperventilating
You don't need the hyphen

“Would you like to sit down?” He asked her.
“Would you like to sit down?” he asked her.
This is a speech tag, so "he" should not be capitalised.

breathe deeply,” she stepped forward
breathe deeply.” She stepped forward
This is not a speech tag, so should be a period and "She" should be capitalised

Closing remarks: Almost there Suze. Keep up the perfect entry rate. Just two entries left to go to get both MBs

Thanks for sharing this item! Please keep on writing and best of luck in the contest!

Andy~hating university
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WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E) Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills! #1300305 by Maryann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .