"SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP" 

Hello there, Newbie! Welcome to WDC.
This is a Simply Positive Review.

I came across your item on the "The Shameless "Plug" Page" .

You have the makings of a fine sci-fi story. I liked the images you painted in my mind's eye, about the comet that came so close to earth it caused a change withing the populous and changed everything that was familiar to humanity at the time. The devastation of this caused wars and destruction, clearing the planet of most of humanity.

I think this story has potential to be even better with a little more development. Touch upon the history of the time before the comet, just a little back story for the reader, and fill-in more information about the character so the reader gets a better picture.



Observations:

You need to separate your paragraphs either by indentation or by skipping a couple spaces, (better for online viewing at WDC) so that it doesn't look like one wall of font.

Each person's dialogue needs to be placed in a separate paragraph.

Further Observations:

"Only a couple thousand of people were unaffected by the mysterious changes. Those few thousand found each other and formed a resistance to stop all the fighting." Is it a couple thousand, (two) or a few thousand? Try to be consistent.

"Hundreds of liver were lost from the few people who tried." I believe you meant to write "lives."

"Peace returned(,) Bbut did not last."

"but the 'curse' ["curse"] that took the earth was not over." You use double quotation marks for all of your quoted material except, here. Since it's not a quote within a quote, double quotation marks should be used. I believe you are not using British English, or the other quoted lines would have single quotation marks.

"About 10 years ago, 5 masters" Write out the numbers. These are small enough to be written out and it makes it a smoother looking work and is less distracting to the reader.

" w What the heck is a magikalite?"

"You notice a. Chunk of glowing rock at your feet." You have bit of a fragmented thought, here. Get rid of the period and the capitalization of the "C" in "Chunk" and you'll be good to go.


"you find yourself over 50 ft away from the nearest building." fifty feet

"but for now, we'll, the future is bright." [well]

I think with a little more editing, this draft work will become a higher quality, finished product.

You do have an interesting story concept. Keep working on it.

Until next time--write on!

Regards,
WebWitch




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .