%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4025549 |
 | So Little Time  [E] A Star gets its Wish - Flash Fiction Entry  |
| (4.0)| Hello, Finn O'Flaherty . My name is Charlie and I’m happy to be reviewing your story today. Thank you for sharing with us and giving me the opportunity to write this review. Keep in mind that the following is just the personal opinion of one reader. I am not a professional. I hope that you’ll find something worthwhile and helpful here. If you don’t, feel free to dismiss this completely.   First Impressions I love the image that you used for this story. It really caught my attention when I was looking at your portfolio. It was cool that you used a purple font for it as well. I know most of us just have black text for all of our writing, but with a magical story like this, the purple color really seems to go with it and just add to the feeling. It's nice that you made the words you had to use bold because it's important for the reader to know the full extent of the contest.  Subject Matter This is a fun little story about a newly formed star that sees Earth from space and decides that it would be a good place to go. Before she knows it, her wish comes true and she's being thrown toward the planet. She ends up landing on the branch of a mistletoe where she spends the winter as a snowflake. At the end of winter, spring comes and she melts, falling from the branch. Call me lame, but I was a little bit sad when she melted! It's like the snowflake version of dying and no one wants to do that.   Things That Worked I think you succeeded in creating a full story with beginning, middle, and end. That's the first thing I look at when I read a flash fiction story. It's not easy to cram so much into a story with such few words without it seeming like you're rushing through. I liked that we got to meet the star first, then see her descent into earth, and find out about her end as well. I thought it was really cool that her wish came true and she got to spend a winter as a snowflake with all of the other snowflakes. Everyone deserves to have their dreams realized, even a star in a fictional story! I like that there's kind of a message that it's better to experience your dreams, even if they're short lived, rather than spend all of your time wishing upon something.  Suggestions My only issue with the story is that it needs an edit on the technical side. I don't feel like the first sentence needs any commas. I don't pause at all when I read it. Some other things to look into:  As she entered the atmosphere she felt the change, from a hot slow burning, turning to an icy cold. It was different. "I must be becoming one of them ." "Oh, I shall have such fun!" Add a comma after 'atmosphere' and take the comma away from 'change'. The last two sentences should all be either in italics or in quotations, not both. "Hello." she said. "Hello." the many different voices came. "I was a star you know, but I am so glad, now to be snow." "We are new too." They said, "just landed here today". "It is so pretty, I can see far and near, there are so many of us here", said the star. During this dialogue, I believe there should be new paragraphs every time a new character begins speaking. Final Thoughts I enjoyed reading your story. I thought it was interesting and you succeeded with making the prompt work. I feel that there is some room for improvement on the technical side of this piece. Thanks again for sharing with us! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 08/11/2014 @ 8:57am EDT