Hi there chilliman }! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Invalid Item  This item number is not valid. #1971162 by Not Available.

Welcome to WDC. I know you have seen this before. I still mean it. Also have a great new year as well.

General Impressions I liked the ending. As well as story development and plot there is a lot of good reading going on in this work.

Favorite Parts “Do you think its a trial separation?” Nick joked with a dry laugh. I liked the joke it seemed fitting at that point in the story.

Plot Okay on finding out the plot on a short story we use the title, the description and read the story to see how confused we get. Your title and story fit so you followed and advanced your plot. The description well you were asking for help, it didn't match. But that's okay it's a work in progress. I would suggest you think up the best eye catching and accurate description and place it there. After you do what ever your going to do with the reviews on it. A judge once told me that the description is a selling point and we don't want to hurt the judgement on our work in progress. I'm just trying to save you the embarrassment I got from a contest judge.

Characters You did them well for a short story and even for a novel. You didn't over describe them or give me a shopping list of traits. You did a very good job with it.

Setting You did the same thing no over description just enough we always knew where we were and why we were there.

Dialog You did a great job of using dialog to advance the story and the plot as well.

Presentation Remember you asked for it. Professionalism is an attitude not a degree someone gives you. As a word artist we always want the best version even a work in progress out in front of potential readers. You really need to use line spacing, indents, and shorter sentences until you can stop competing for my title. The reason I have this title is new writers as part of progression do a lot of run-on. Now me I wrote two complete books of total run-on that's why the title. I use it to remind me I must not use whole sentences as one paragraph. Also as I learned how to break them up and form real paragraphs. The plot twists and extra content and other creative things pop up when you look for the run-on.

Grammar and Spelling Interesting I only invite the Grammar Nazi when I'm polishing off a soon to be finished work. I am always glad to help out. These were all I could find.

“I'm glad you could join us, I have been here an hour” Jim replied as he carried on examined the body. <--- The word examined should be examining.

Nick woke up with a thumping headache he sat up and realized he had been led on his bed fully clothed the last thing he could remember was getting into the police car, he looked at the clock beside his bed it was flashing 12:00 the electric must of gone out when he was sleeping it was dark outside so it was late, he noticed a piece of paper on his floor as he stooped to pick it up he could see there was blood on it he unfolded it slowly the writing was scored in blood,Beasts Cliff at midnight come alone or more will die The Beast, was the message.<--- Are you competing for my title "The Run-on King"? Nothing like a whole paragraph as one sentence. Your telling a lot of different ideas here as well as both character and setting. You need to rewrite this as well as a few others. The last tips are watch "was" it is easy to over use it and always try to avoid "then" it leads to dragging the reader screaming and kicking to the next action point instead of showing him the way to the next action point or plot twist.

I gave you four stars because aside from run-on, one grammar error, and formatting it's not a bad story and it has a great plot twist ending.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!








My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .