Hi there Joanna Ogan ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

A Courageous Emptiness  (E) There's more to a soldier than the external bravery. #1970716 by Joanna Ogan

Welcome to WDC. I hope your settling in and finding all the fun things to see and do. Also don't forget all the nice people.



General Impressions I read your piece all the way through. It flowed well, I could associate with you on this mostly it the reason I went to Vietnam but it was for four children not just one. I did have a rough time with some of the descriptions at times it looked like you were describing cancer or a life killing illness.

Favorite Parts If only she could see me now—boy, would she be impressed, I think. She’ll tell her friends, ‘Look! That’s my mommy standing there looking brave in her uniform. Look at her! Isn’t she beautiful? Isn’t she strong? That’s my mommy. I like this part because it what every parent would think about their little ones. You did a great job of installing those feelings and what we think our kids think at times.

Plot I have learned to compare title, description and story contents to decide on plot or lack of one. I think you did all that you described in title and your description. I'll sum it up as the reason we fight. It is interesting that the women fight for the children, the men fight for the women and their children.

Characters You did a great job on both mom and the daughter. I like the part of her trying to get at the camera you did a great job I don't feel you over describe them.

Setting Having the Drill Sargent tap on the window reminded me of the old Marine Quonset huts they had at MCRD. We got to stay in for a week during basic training.

Dialog Since your telling it as first person it is all dialog. You used it well to advance your point of how a woman feels about being in the military and holding her daughter dear to her heart.

That’s my mommy.’<--- This is the only error in the whole piece. I only found it by accident. I don't hold it against you lol I'm just showing you where it is at so you can fix it before the Grammar Nazi finds it.

The ache is almost unbearable—this choking, gasping, throat closing emotion that consumes me every waking minute; silent, body wracking sobs with enough force that my body curls over into itself and I come up gasping for air. <-- This part when I first read it I thought she had cancer. It wasn't until I got down to the camera part that it finally sunk through my Neanderthal brain that you were describing a woman's loss of her child. At first the thoughts were going on was this cancer? Or was she hit with a shell in Afghanistan? I'm not even sure this is bad. I'm just telling you what was pulling me around as I read this part of your work. It also made me want to find out why she was in such pain. I'm only going out of my way to tell you this in case it wasn't the effect you really wanted at the beginning.

I still think your story was a four star I found it informative and interesting. You did a lot of involving the reader. There was a few places it could read better but I don't have the skills yet to suggest ways to improve those areas.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!







My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .