Hi there Fi !

Once again, thank you so much for stopping by the other day. I promised that I would leave you at least one review some time this month as a mark of my gratitude, so this seems like the perfect opportunity to do so! I'll be delighted if anything I say is a fraction as helpful as the thoughts you left with me, in any case, I thank you for allowing me to stop by your illustrious work!

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Kasia, I'm so sorry to hear this poem wasn't published when you submitted it. In my opinion. this piece wasn't designed to be 24 lines long, and as a result stands as a much more diminished version of its original glory. Your longer version has a marvellous sense of build, that grows and grows with each given stanza. It needs the length you provide it to paint a completer picture, a climax which is suddenly lost when scaled down to six stanzas. Whenever I read poetry, particularly on my first go, I try not to over analyse straight away, rather to let the sounds and the textures brim in my imagination, and see what kind of picture it forms.

The best poems, the ones I most admire, are always those that possess a strong sense of identity, a strong flavour to them. This poem without a doubt works for me in that way. This sort of skill goes beyond using sporadic metaphors and an interesting rhyme scheme; it comes from pacing, flow, and every other element coming together in a sublime and unified way... I think it's something you have to feel, rather than using calculated mechanics.

You've made so many interesting, instinctive choices in the writing of this piece. This is about saluting and setting down honourable soldiers to rest, and so I wondered why you made comparisons between the laying down of a rose on a gravestone, to the death of the sun, and the silent stillness of a ship at sea... I expected this poem to sing great patriotic praises. What you do instead is vastly more profound. Instead of glorying the death of a soldier, you acknowledge the realistic sorrow that surrounds such an occasion - you don't try to inject a crowd-pleasing note of optimism, the process of laying a loved one down to rest is and will always be a mournful one.

The way in which you do celebrate the life of a soldier, is by comparing their passing to the inversion of essential things in the world, that which we take for granted (what an artistic comparison you draw). And this is done truly hauntingly. You use such a simple template, but each rhetorical question works as an evocative metaphor, which together forms the essence of this pining, melancholy, and universal love-poem-like ode to a soldier. It appears simple, but there are many layers visited here, without even considering the wonder of your painted descriptions.

Your vernacular toolbox is really quite a marvel. I would be remiss not to highlight at least a few lines that stood out to me, those that continually compelled me to backtrack and read over them once again.

Would down below the raven glance
And fermata hold the sparrow’s dance? --> Wow! Abstract, yet scorchingly vivid! Beautiful texture of wording... quite awe-inspiring.

Would cathedrals ring their bells,
And country churches join the knell? --> Simply lovely; the tone changes at a moment's notice. Your work is like a piece of music, changing pitch at every step, but staying true to the overall message and feel of the piece.

Would a whisper stir that day
As I was lowered to the clay?
Would they lay a rose for me
Beside my grave to memory? --> A perfect ending, what more can be said! The rich emotion is so understated and heart-wrenching, only a very talented, sensitive individual could have penned this.


The voice of this poem is also kind of... weird... but good! It has something of a child-like inflection. "Would the marching band play proud?/Would the flag be draped my shroud?" There's a real, breath-taking innocence to it that I can't really explain, but it lies in your simple rhyming, slight sense of iambic usage, and economical wording. I like it a lot!

As I'm sure you've noticed by now, I haven't really made any point of criticism on this piece! I'm afraid you'll have to take all the responsibility for that, this poem just works too well as it stands, for me to start poking my amateur finger at it, in an attempt to nitpick! The only place I might draw your attention to, are the lines that read:

Would they lay a rose for me
Beside my grave to memory?

and

Would eagles circle overhead
And doves the sad news fly to spread?

It's not that I think there's anything wrong here, but the last line of each couplet read a little strangely with, "to memory", and "to spread". The syntax is a little disjoined. The only reason I don't put much gravity on a suggestion for alteration, is because the message comes through very clear, and I think it actually reads very liltingly, again there's a childishness to these lines that I don't want to take away from them. It's a technicality that tripped me up on first read, but I think this is something I would rather peg on the rights of poetic licence.

In closing, thank you so much for allowing me to read your work. This one was truly very special, I don't know how you do it. It's the perfect melding of imagination and deft, artistic manipulation. An absolute joy! Bravo!!

Take care,


Dani




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .