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 Review #3842424 |
 | A Flow of Honey  [E] On her way to the hospital, Audrey reflects on her life.  |
| (3.5)| Hi weeza I'm here today to offer a peer review as part of the Kiwi Challenge, but also to off an opinion-one reader's reaction. Overall impressionYour story impressed me because its character, not plot, driven. Immediately, I was engaged by the feeling of Audrey's perception of a life off course. These moments often occur, but not everyone is tuned into the subtle change in the energy surrounding them. ThoughtsI wanted to be pulled into the story, but the back and forth between the past and the present kept taking me out of the experience. Most of the time I was confused. The man selling crepes was Colin, but it took more than a few moments to make the connection. Colin was presented as the husband, so the twist at the end caught me completely off guard. I had to go back and read it again.  This was one of my favorite lines. It was poetic and a clear demonstration of the plot line. What would happen Colin if a crack in the pane appeared? Editor's DeskYears ago, introducing a story by directly stating what was happening currently and then including the foresight of what would happen is no longer favorable. Mae was a very helpful,[] especially to her baby sister. [person]? And Audrey would have to agree because it was only these two little girls [that] truly understood [who] Audrey buzzed the buzzer on the wall [pressed] the button would avoid having the same word in one sentence. Track down as many passive verbs (forms of to be) and see how you can transition the sentence using active verbs. She wasn’t sure if it was the rain, or the phone call she had just received while sitting at a Madison Ave café, that was the cause of her conflicting feelings. For example: Was it the rain, or the phone call that caused conflicting feelings? It's always best to be specific. What were her conflicting feelings? In conclusionSometimes words get in the way and paring down the passive verbs would tighten the read. The presentation of Mae and Audra's friendship was told, not visualized. This is most evident in paragraph 12. Showing the girl's exploits would draw the reader in. The interruption of [you see] is authorial interruption, where the author directly addresses the reader. The back story of Audrey's experience with her brother in the hospital did not advance the plot. Because you are developing Audrey, a simplified approach would make this stronger. Rather than telling the reader about the exact experience, this is a great opportunity to show Audrey's feelings about being in a hospital. It's not as much the story of what happened; its always about the feelings, the thoughts of the character. For instance, Audrey's past experience was gentle, whereas mine has been so negative my stomach flips just by walking through the door. If I had to explain this quickly to give the reader a chance to share my feelings, I would include [something like] "the antiseptic smell washed over me, carrying memories of my dad's endless surgeries." The story is strong in its message about fate and how lives play out. Is everything preordained or do we have free will? Audrey grew up in a negative environment and was determined to find a positive path. I continued reading your story despite the confusion because I cared about Audrey and the beginning [without the authorial intrusion of foreshadowing]of the story appealed to me. It's a much more intense draw if the reader discovers this when the plot unfolds, without being told in the beginning. Does that make any sense to you? Had I not cared about your story, I would not be presenting such a lengthy review. My comments are meant to encourage, not discourage you. The thoughts are my own, delivered in the spirit of WdC, where writers help each grow. Please ignore any comments that do not help you. I apologize if I crossed a line with my suggestions; your story concept is phenomenal and editing and reediting and reediting again and again will reveal the nuggets of gold you are offering your readers. Keep up the good work!
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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