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 Review #3802334 |
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| (3.0)  [Overall Impression] A well planned short story about a nightmare come true. This is perfect for the Halloween season, or just a night of reading small horror stories. Your main character comes across well.  [Spelling Errors/Grammar] As I read your piece I found a few places that need to be worked on to clear any confusion. I lied back down The above would read better as I laid back down My heart started to race and couldn’t breathe. I felt it could read better as My heart started to race and I couldn't breathe Seconds went by; but it could have been years, because time had to come to halt. The above would be better written as " because time had come to a halt, or because time have come to a stop I imagined opening the bedroom door, taking off the screen and jumping down. I'm thinking with the above you are talking about balcony doors that have a screen, but I'm not entirely sure. The way this is written it sounds like she could be taking off the bedroom door and jumping down from some unknown height, although I could be reading it wrong. The second was a sickening yellow with smooth head and large jagged teeth. I believe you are missing an "a" between "with" and "smooth"  [Suggestions] My suggestion to you is to go back over the story for any other spots that could use some revision.  [Favorite line]I was able to yell once more before I was dragged into the door. I instantly felt my body be consumed by fire. I could hear my flesh sizzle and smell my skin burning. They dragged me deeper into hell. I looked back and for a moment I could I see my room. The opening started closing and it blocked out the light. I watched as it was shut and I couldn’t stop screaming. I chose the above because it ends things well and gave me a clear picture of what was happening to the character. [Ending Thoughts] I enjoyed reading your story and felt in a lot of ways you were able to capture the suspense of the moment thrusting your reader right in the thick of things. As I read your piece I did find a lot of areas that could use another look to make it better. I believe if you were to go over the places that I mentioned this could turn out of be a piece of perfection. You have done a good job, and I hope my review is helpful to you. Keep up the good work and I look forward to reading more from you. Write On!   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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You responded to this review 01/04/2013 @ 7:37pm EST