*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/3730226
Review #3730226
Viewing a review of: {citem:}
Review of  
Review by Tiggy
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: | (2.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Title: Lex, Barry, and Kate

Author: Nacho Cheese

Type: Short story


*BurstB* First Impression:

The ending certainly came as a surprise, which I am sure is what you had intended. There was, of course, no way to have seen it coming since you gave no clues.

While it had an informal tone which made the dialogue entertaining, that twist near the end, at least for me, came to suddenly and without any build-up. Such a scene is a dramatic one, the strength of your story depends on that part, and when you just give it away without any build-up, you sell both you and your reader short. There are ways you could have heightened the curiosity of the reader, to build up his anticipation and to pave the way for the twist, so that readers knows that they are expecting something, even if they don’t know what. You could have the father notice the boy’s hands in his pockets, look up toward the boy who seemed self-conscious and looked away. When Barry takes his hands out of his pockets, the father could have asked him why he was wearing gloves. Have the boy resist for a moment, not wanting to take them off, and when he does, you could show his emotions, a look on his face before he runs away. I don’t think I would be so definite with the ending where you write,

Barry left right away, never to return.

I’d leave the story open, not close it with such a declaration. Give the reader a reason to assume that there might be more to the story, that some resolution might be possible. Of course, ideally, you’d go on and write more, delve into this modern day Edward Scissorhands and show his emotions, how people treat him, and ultimately, his relationship with Kate and Lex. There is so much you could add to this story that would make the story richer, deeper, and more meaningful. You’ve only scratched the surface.


*BurstG* Suggestions:

Kate felt there was nothing wrong with the boy, VS her father said he was not to be messed with and that he was quite strange indeed.
Does “VS” mean “versus?” I’d spell the word out. I’d add a “who,” after “father”
and a comma after “with.”

while he would take a three day trip for some peace.
I think it is, “three-day.”

And there was Barry, standing there in a checked shirt and jeans, with his hands in his pockets.
Instead of “checked,” I think you mean, “checkered.”

To avoid both the ungrammatical “And,” to begin the sentence and the repetitious, “there/there” occurrence, how about re-writing this sentence to something like: There was Barry, standing in a checkered shirt and jeans...

"May I come in?" he asked so politely.
I’d get rid of adverb, “so.” It’s an intensifier, but it adds nothing to the narrative.

"I'd rather not," said Barry sadly, but pulled off his gloves anyway, revealing clawed hands, just as Kate entered the room. She screamed, and Barry left right away, never to return.
I’ve already addressed this in detail, but way too much happens here without any build-up. This could be more powerful if you just give these things time to develop and not just throw them out there to the reader with no anticipation.


*BurstP* Final Thoughts:

I certainly think there is potential here. You have an antagonist/protagonist, and even a possible love interest. You have the potential to make a statement about misjudging people, and possibly some other ethical statements, should you chose.

I do think the story needs more, both in a backstory and in details throughout the story. For example the story begins with Lex’s outward hostility toward Barry, but we don’t know why. To the reader’s knowledge, they don’t know each other, and there is no indication that his daughter has had any difficulties with the boy.

As far as plausibility, I wonder how Barry can go to school and yet Katie has no idea about his claw-like hands. It is hard to believe that he walks around class all day with his hands in his pockets, and gloves on his hands. Certainly a teacher would do as Lex did, and ask him to remove the gloves. Maybe the teachers knew and didn’t ask him, but if that is the case, you should include that in the story.

I think you need to add a number of details and supporting dialogue/narrative to explain why the characters do what they do. One big question the reader wants to know: How did Barry get hands that looked like claws? That is a big question to leave unanswered, one that needs to be answered if you want the reader to consider this piece plausible.

Yes, the story has potential, but you’ve only scratched the surface, both in story and in your skills in writing it. You have a lot more depth than you’ve shown here, take your time and fill in around the cracks, add depth to the characters and especially the plot. Do these things and you’ll be not only pleased, but proud of your accomplishment!




** Image ID #1833995 Unavailable **


 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1717656 by Not Available.
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 07/09/2012 @ 12:01pm EDT
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/3730226