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Item Reviewed: "Invalid Item" ![]() Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️🌈 ![]() ![]() As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful ![]() ![]() ![]() Thank you for sharing this heartwarming story about the power of love and courage in the face of adversity. Sophie is an awesome character, and you made us cheer for her success. Max is great, too, and their mutual love sustains their escape from Sophie's abusive parent. This was a great read and a wonderful way to start my day. ![]() Mostly, we experience this story through Sophie. From the very beginning, we're in her head, hearing her father's voice echo through their home. He hopes and fears come through clearly thorugh her words, deeds, and emotions, almost all of which shown rather than told. I did notice a couple of minor wobbles in point of view, so one bit of advice is to stay inside Sophie's head throughout. You'll see some of these places noted in the line-by-line remarks below. The other point is that you mostly do a great job of revealing things through the words and deeds of the characters or, in Sophie's case, through her sensations, emotions, and thoughts. However, there are places where "telling" precedes the "showing." As above, I've noted some of these places in the line-by-line remarks below to give you a sense of what I'm talking about here. ![]() Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence. Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream. Your opening names the point-of-character, Sophie, puts her in action (hearing her father's voice echo through their home), and establishes that the story will be about the challenges her father brings to her life. So it addresses the who/what/where questions quite well. You might consider a touch more descripton of where the initial action takes place, but I'd recommend minimizing narration. Instead, having Sophie interact with her environment would reinforce the point of view and could enhance the plot. For example, she might be in the living room, picking up discarded beer cans and empty pizza boxes. There might be a family portrait with smiling faces beaming from behind broken glass. Maybe she runs a finger over her mother's face and wonders why she abanonded her. You get the idea, I'm sure. If you decide to do this, I'd not expend more than a couple of sentences, taking care to stay focused on the essential conflict of the story. ![]() Sophie's abusive and substance-abusing parent make her life intolerable. She gets respite from work and, with support from a co-worker named Max, manages an escape. In terms of plot, the mutual decision to leave the village and move to the city resolves the basic conflict of the story, so I'd consider ending with Sophie and Max in the car, the village on the long road behind them. Your final paragraph is awesome, and I'd keep it, but end the story at that point. Sure, it's likely they will encounter the challenges you describe in the second half of the story, but that's a NEW story, one with a happy ending as it turns out. But the main conflict, which you establish so ably in the first two thirds of the story, is resolved when they leave. That makes the departure the perfect place to end the story. Another point--the first part of the story says more than once that Sophie intends to find her absent mother, yet, when she finally leaves with this stated purpose, the quest for the missing mother disappears. It's an unresolved thread. If you end the story with them leaving the village, readers will infer that one of the things she's now free to do is find her mother, which is a good kind of unfinished business. But, since she never follows through, it's a big missing piece in the story as written. If you decide to leave the final third of the story in, then I'd recommend including the resolution of the quest for the Mother or deleting all references to it, and just stick with she'd disappeared. As it stands, it's a major plot point that's not addressed in the ending. ![]() Sufficient for staging--but otherwise it's pretty sparse. While it's true that every sentence in a short story should advance either character or plot, setting can do either or both. Setting can also deepen the readers' engagement with the fictional world. So, you might consider a touch more setting, especially as Sophie moves from place to place. See my comments above on setting in the opening for examnples. ![]() Both characters are strong and readers will cheer for them. However, Max kind of magically appears out of nowhere at the start of a new scene with Sophie at work. I'd suggest starting this scene with a break in the text (an extra blank line), and then orient the reader by having Sopie interact with this new location in some way. In particular, she might push through the doors to the sea of desks at her work place, where Max hunkers in front of his computer (or whatever he might be doing). Her heart warms at his handsome features, but then chills at his concerned expression. the sequence has her entering the new place with some description of the location, taking care to reinforce we're in Sophie's head. Then, when you describe Max at work, readers will infer that it's Sophie seeing him. When she reacts (her heart quickens in the example), we reinforce that she's seen him. This simple sequence establishes where she's at, her feelings for Max, and his feelings for her. It orients the readers both to location and relationships. It costs at most two or three short sentences, but would, I think, make the transiton smoother and the introduction of Max clearer. ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() While I marked several places, I by no means marked all of them. THe key is finding the combination <weak verb> <adverb>. If you replace the weak verb with a more precise one, you can eliminate the adverb. Alternatively, if the verb is already strong, you probably don't need the adverb and you can just delete it. ![]() One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. This is a powerful story with themes about courage, love, and healing. I enjoyed reading it and found it uplifting. It's true that I've made several suggestions about possible ways to strengthen the story, but it's a fine story as it stands. Indeed, it's an important and inspiring story that needs to be told, so thank you for sharing it. This shows you have a moral and artistic vision that is both powerful and needed, so by all means keep writing more just like this! ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() I note in passing that, by telling us what's in his head (he's encouranged and proud of her), it hops into Max's head. ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. ![]() ![]() Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! Max Griffin Please visit my website and blog at https://new.MaxGriffin.net |